December, 2004

The December Roundup Part Two: Home Sweet Home

Here are the rest of the pics from (my totally busy and overwhelming) December. (Click here for Part One)

Sunday, December 19th

On Sunday night I was supposed to do something with Meredith, but then Grant called me to tell me he was in a rented van with Jake (who was at the time the guy at FHM whose job it was to correspond with all of those "girl next door real life" models that appear in the magazine) and they were heading down to Philly to pick up a bunch of teen model girls for a shoot in Manhattan the next day. Here's Meredith face (slightly disapproving yet still entertained) when I asked her if she minded me canceling our plans so I could go on a roadtrip with Grant and Jake to try to scam on wannabe-model teens. Hahaha.

Fastforward like three hours later (yes, I know Philly's only like ninety minutes away...you can chalk up the rest of the difference to the fact that Jake is probably the WORST driver (ok, worst male driver...HA!) I've ever been in a car with) and here we are at Jake's parent's house in Philly and we're about to watch the video of the TV show pilot that Grant did for VH1 (that unfortunately didn't get picked up). Here's Grant all nervous and embarrassed pre-emptively telling us that we're not going to like it.

Afterwards, Jake help up his end of the bargain and busted out the tapes of the season of Road Rules that he was on when he was eighteen years old.

It was hilarious. Jake hadn't seen them since they'd originally aired in 1997 and had to keep hiding his face in embarrassement. (I give him serious points for this - it's gotta be so embarrassing to have a documented record of what you were like when you were younger - er, wait...actually, I probably know exactly what that feels like in, say, 10 years...)

Jake's family dog really missed him.

Later that night we went out to some bar and had a few drinks with some of Jake's friends in Philly but we ended up calling it an early night. (Mostly because we had to get up crazy-early the next morning to pick up the wannabe models, but also because it's Philly and even if we had wanted to do something cool, it wouldn't have happened!)

Monday, December 20th

Here's Jake at the wheel the next morning on our way to the train station in Philly to pick up the girls. We were supposed to pick up three girls, but one of them called last minute to tell Jake that she'd found a ride with someone else (probably because she heard that riding in Jake's car would mean having to tolerate Grant and I egging Jake on to say inappropriate things to the girls).

We got up so early that it was still dark when we got to the train station.

The girls ended up being nice but nothing all that interesting ended up happening (and to be perfectly honest, neither of them could really give a handjob to save their life). I kid! I kid!

I followed Jake and the gals over to Milk studios on the West Side and hung out and watched the shoot for awhile but then I had to leave because I had more important things to do. Like...

...uhhhh, sit around Meredith's apartment, put my new glasses on and try to take a picture of myself that captured how I look to other people wearing my new glasses. Hahahahaha. Yeah, after you're done laughing at me, make sure you remember that YOU do stuff like this all the time. (I hope. Seriously, I'm not the only person that does stuff like this, right?)

After I was done playing Vanity Smurf ("La-la-la-LA-la...") I hopped on the train out to Linden, NJ to celebrate G-ma's 80th birthday.

Also on hand were my mom and dad, Grandpa, and my mom's sister's family, The Carricks.

The Lady of Honor!

Eighty Years old and she still got all the mo-fo-ing candles with one breath!

On the way back home I met up with the Tinny but it was only for a quick drink because back in December of 2004, Tinny HATE ME!

Tuesday, December 21st

On Tuesday night I went to Avery Fisher Hall at fancy-schmancy Lincoln Center and met up with....

...fellow Roxbury High School Choir alumnus Christie Damell, Bev Chase and Emily Cmielewski so that we could sing in one of the biggest group performances of...

...George Frederick Handel's Messiah! (Yes, we're all huge Choir Fags. We know).

Special thanks to (the recently married!) Bev Chase for hooking us up with the tickets!

Emily Cmielewski took Choir Dorkdom to a whole new level when she opened up her score to reveal the seating arrangement from a performance we did of The Messiah circa 1994. Hoo-ah!

Here's me (with some pre-performance jitters) with yet another RHS alum, Gary Chase.

I tried singing next to Gary, but he's a bass and I'm a tenor (and this is for all you fellow choir nerds out there) and it's really hard to hold your part next to another part when you know your shit cold - never mind when you're trying to sing 90 minutes of music that you haven't even hear for over 10 years!

So by the 2nd song, I ended up getting invited up into the balcony to sing tenor next to some super-nice, bearded old guy. (Homeboy had his shit down which made it infinitely easier for me to fake my way through the remaining 80 minutes).

I threw my camera down to Bev and Em so they could get some action shots of me and my new friend Beardy singing together.

Crowd shot! (Who knew there were so many Choir Nerds?)

The Messiah got me in the Christmasiest of moods so when I got back to Meredith's, it was time to exchange presents! (You love my NYC Subway Map / Village Voice wrapping paper, don't you?)

I got Meredith a big gift (a Rice Cooker!)...

...but after she opened it up and looked in the pot, there was another smaller gift (an iPod Mini)! Q: Who's sneaky? (Answer: Me!)

Meredith got me glow in the dark skull and cross-bones dress socks and...

...a shirt (that was a leeeetle bit too small) which immediately brought out my Jersey roots, yo. ("You want some Jersey Beef, playa?") (Some people might say that I got "the short end of the present stick." But those people are not people are clearly not people that have ever lived in a rent-free paradise that also comes with home cooked meals and computer-usage pantie shows! (Happy Xmas, Baby!)

Yo, forget long underwear - Girls, you all need to get on the cashmere leggins tip! Daaaa-yum!

Now here's the part where I counter-balance all of the photos of schmoopy choir-singing and gift-giving with a few photos of my trip to a S&M "Piss Dungeon" where I tried to convince a dominatrix (who is a "friend" of Jake's) to let me take photos of her vomiting on one of her clients (it's called a "Roman Shower" and I only wish I were kidding) for Vice Magazine's upcoming Sex Issue.

I arrived at a normal bar in the East Village and when I asked for Mistrees Harlequinn, I was ushered into a curtained backroom where I found the woman I was looking for. I walked in and right there in front of me was a chubby, naked full-grown man on all fours getting his ass finger fucked by a latex-glove wearing Mistress Harlequinn. She looked up and said "Oh, you must be Brian, have a seat" and didn't miss a thrust. The guy on all fours craned his neck around to look at me and flushed with shame at my being present which caused Ms. Harlequinn to start berrating him "Oh, what's wrong? Filthy little AssBoy doesn't like strangers watching him get his ass fucked?" It was at this point that I decided to pretend it was really important for me to take pics of the sex toys laid out on a bench on the other side of the room.

After finishing up with "AssBoy," Harlequinn washed up and came over to talk to me remote possibility that she might be able hook me up so I could shoot one of her "Roman Shower" sessions. I was asking her all sorts of questions about her clients and so she called one over for an impromptu display of their willingness to submit to her. When she lit up a smoke, without being told this guy got on his knees, closed his eyes, opened his mouth and leant his head back and acted as her "human ashtray" for the duration of her smoke. (I'm still kicking myself that I didn't manage to get a pic of her grinding her cigarette out on his tounge).

Afterwards, she "rewarded him for being a good little human ashtray" by commanding him to lie down on the floor so that he could...

...drink her piss. Suh-weet. (Well, if you've ever wondered why the photobooth in a certain East Village bar always smelled a little "not-right," now you know!)

I was excited. Based on everything I'd seen, I was convinced that Mistress Harequinn was going to be able to deliver (the incredibly rare!) Roman Shower performance for me. In the end, after like 400 phone calls back and forth, the person that was going to let me watch him get vomited on decided he wasn't comfortable having pics of him being puked upon appear in a widely distributed magazine (Thanks again for trying to make it happen, Mistress Harlequinn! I appreciate it!) In order to redeem myself in Vice's eyes I had to pull out the big guns and submit post-op pics from when my friend fractured his penis while having sex. (Just in case you're a total moron, I should probably point out that that last link can be safely categorized as "not safe for work." Then again, I did just show pics of a woman pissing into a guy's mouth without giving any warning - so if you ARE at work, you probably had to close the browswer all quick before you even got this far!)

Monday, December 27th

Fast forward almost a week later (Right after I was done with Misstress Pees-in-your-mouth, Merdith and I went out to my parents house in NJ for Christmastime - full entry on that coming soon) and we're back in the city at Meredith's apartment so (the newly moustachioed) Grant can get his gift from Meredith.

He got a fancy scarf! (His gift to Meredith - uhhhh, "How about a hug?")

After gift giving, we headed over to meet up with Rachael at some corny-ass bar in the East Village. You'll ge the full story in another entry, but here's the gist: while home visiting our parents in NJ, Rachael got picked up by this guy Vinnie who is the older brother of a kid we went to high school with. This was at the local townie bar in our hometown on Xmas eve and for a while it looked like Rachael was gonna get some ass, but for whatever reason (*BOCK, BOCK, CHICKEN!*) Vinnie didn't make a move. Instead, he invited Rachael to attend his "atonal, experimental" band's gig at this bar the next week. Which brings us to...

...this place.

Sweet Jesus. What am I, back in San Francisco again?

If you ever to a venue that's decorated like this...

...or has "art" like this, run for your fucking life because the band you are about to see, will most likely be "atonal and experimental."

After the show Rachael was literally POUNDING beers trying to get drunk enough to tell Vinnie (who despite his musical shortcomings in my book is one of the nicest guys I've ever met) that she liked his show.

Here's Rachael chatting up Vinnie - who forever loses points in my book by failing to make out with a ready and willing (despite his show!) Rachael.

In the meantime, Grant played "Spot the Ginger!" and then...

...tried out his new moustache by flirting with Rachael's cute, new roommate.

Out on the street, Grant tried to impress the ladies in attendance by pulling Chris' old "it's WINDY!" trick (last seen in "European Vacation Part 7: First Day in Crete") on a tree.

Yo, I know my hat is orange and ugly - but it matches my coat and my mom bought it for me so not wearing it's really not an option.

Tuesday, December 28th

On Tuesday afternoon Grant came to meet me at Merdith's place where he tried to trick Meredith into "hooking up" with him by dresing up in my trademark jacket (Awww, yeah Big Blue!) and $6 St. Mark's shades. (If it wasn't for the moustache, I think he would've gotten away with it).

He and I headed for some Indian Buffet lunch (spicy burps!) on E. 6th Street. Here's a picture of my wet ass-crack from when some guy leaving the restaurant walked by our table while putting on his coat and spilled my entire 24oz King Fisher Beer (Not having a day job = the option to get crunked at lunchtime if you're feeling it) off the table and into my crotch completely soaking my cockn'balls in budget-Indian malt liquor. I yelled and jumped up (mostly because the shit was ice-cold) but the oblivious guy just kept walking.

While they were exiting the door, one of the girls that was with the dude told him "Oh my god, you just totally spilled that guy's beer back there all over his crotch. You should apologize and get him another beer." He glanced back over his shoulder without breaking stride, and we heard him remark "Yeah, I totally should" before disappearing out the door! Dick! My jeans and undies were so beer-sodden that we had to go back to Meredith's so I could change clothes. It was so cold out that my pants actually FROZE on the ten minute walk back to Meredith's.

After changing, Grant and I walked up to the Barnes and Noble on Astor to meet up with Jake so we could research things to do for our soon upcoming trip throughout Eastern Europe (Finland, Estonia, Germany and Hungary, baby! A multi-entry extravaganza coming soon!!!)

Later Tuesday night, Meredith and I trekked up to the Upper East Side to have dinner with Meredith's family!

Here's Joanne (Mrs. Silverman, if you're NASTY!!

Meredith's brother, Andrew and his buddy Alex.

Meredith's Dad!

Most of conversation at dinner (awesomely) revolved around Alex telling stories about how many times Andrew has blown up has spot with the ladies. Hahahah.

Alex showing off tha pipes.

Me and The 'Dith.

After dinner, Meredith went to go meet up with some friends of hers that were in town from Boston and I went to meet up with Jen Gerard (who before I even knew her appeared on this site as a random stranger captured in a photo laughing at Colin!) who was in town from LA.

I also ended up running into (ladies' favorite) Bryan Carlin!

The Trifecta of Trouble: Jen, Beth and Rebecca.

Later that night we headed over to The Darkroom and ran into SmellsGood BonJersey (Gina)...

...and her boobs. (Check out my schnozz sneaking its way into the frame!)

Me and Jen G throwing down our Gansta faces in our gay-ass hats.

Wednesday, December 29th

On Wednesday I was heading north a few blocks to meet up with Meredith and her friends when I stopped at the end of our block to watch this dog beg for scraps of meat at the Gyro window.

The guy peeked his head out and the dog sat down all politely waiting for a scrap of lambliciousness. (Shit's right out of a Norman Rockwell painting, no?)

I arrived at karaoke to find (a bootylicious) Meredith and her friends already crunked out of their tiny minds. Which can only mean one thing:

me, meredith — Duet time!

faisal — Meredith's friend Faisal with someone who is either a) a friend of their's I don't remember or b) a random creepy lurker I accidentally got in the frame while taking a picture of Faisal.

I hit the mic again and my solo croonings managed to pull in...

...Amy K. off the street to come in and join the fun. (No seriously, Argentian - don't cry for me).

Amy and Meredith.

Thursday, December 30th

On Thursday I managed to tear myself away from my busy schedule of uhhhh, Halo 2 long enough to meet up for lunch with Nina.

And then I even accompanied her to her secret stores so she could buy supplies for the jewelry she makes!

A few months back, Meredith got hired to be one of Apple's print models and while passing the Apple Store on the way home, I saw you-know-who in the window. The glare was too much outside...

...so I had to go inside to get a clear pic of the GIANT poster of her in the window. Hahaha.

meredith — Here's a close-up. (My friend Lauren works at the Apple Store and a few months later when they took this display down I had her save it for me so Meredith could give it to her mom - who LOVES the fact that her daughter is "a model." Hahaha. So cute).

Later on I met up with Meredith and her friend...

...Tristan that was in town for some pie at Lombardi's. (Check out homeboy's face all contorted with bliss).

Friday, December 31st

On Friday Grant and I (and Grant's moustache) decided to end the month on an education note by heading up to the Met. We learned that learning is fun if you're learning about...

...MEDIEVAL FUCKING WEAPONS!

Next time your girlfriend bugs you about "art" take her here. There are fucking Samurai riding on armored horses. Then you can all be like "How's THAT for art, Bee-Eye-OTCH? BOOYAH!"

Check out the photo I took of Grant totally having a fantasy about being a 13th Century warlord. Hahaha. Happy December (and here ends the longest monthly roundup double entry. *whew*)