December 30, 2002

Heavy Metal Karaoke at Arlenes Grocery

SPECIAL GUEST COMMENTARY BY GRANT STODDARD (Beyond a byline, this is a disclaimer in case he's not funny. If he is, then I wrote it.) Without further ado, here's Grant.

Yo Yo Yo! Wassup? G-Sto in the hizzouse! Okay, first off I wanna call this entry The Four Horsemen of the Karaokopolipse. With the help of four gallons of tepid P.B.R, Big Daddy, Fatty, B-Batch and me tore the roof of the joint that night. Introducing.......

Myself, O.G (Original Grantster) getting stuck in to the 'Maiden Klässik "Run to the Hills" I wasn't reading off that lyric sheet, Holmes; I was fanning off the front row as they swooned from my hot, hot heat.

grant — Granted the spray-on jeans played a part in hitting those higher registers.

grant — One dude in the front row was so overcome by my re-voicing of 'Maidens' tale of the subjugation of the indigenous North American tribes, he actually reached out with a view to tweak my trouser schnauzer. Possibly to check if I was for real.

grant — Proprietor and emcee "Owen the Brummie" gives madd props where madd props is due with a double index finger hail. This was the exact moment where the Arlene Grocery foundations were thoroughly shaken for the first of four times on that fateful evening.

grant — Sign O' the Devil. "Scream for me New York...RUN-FOR-YOUR-LIVES!"

With the bar raised high. B-Batch speps to the mic to deliver Misfits sing-along "Last Caress" We all know Brian can look like Danzig and the boyz but can he sound like them?

Shit, man; His mama din't raise no dummy! Owen wisely steps backwards to exit the stage to let Brian "Goldenballs" Battjer bask in rökk gloree! Extra points for that nastee grimace. Noice!

"Oh sweet death, one last Carrrrressssssssss!" Bri selects a biddy to mack on once he gets done rockin the LES.

owen — This is the bit where 250 New Yorkers pay homage to a Neon sign...as Owen deadpans (every week) "Neon.....it's a gas!"

crazy jen, fatty — The Arlene's Grocery Neon Sign is a sight to behold. It even causes nipples to stand on end. (Digitally enlarged 6x for your viewing enjoyment). Yo, we saw this byrdz nippz before Colin and he went on three dates with her. Boo Yah!

fatty, grant — NIPPLE!!!

colin — Dancing With Myself. Unfortunately Colin was really singing from the heart on this one.

colin, jen gerard — Girl in front; "Who does this guy think he is? I'd never let him see my boobs either."

colin — The front row's attempts to push Big Daddy into a bucket and smuggle his "fumbling-the-lyrics ass" out of the premises ended in vain.

fatty — "I heard you guys like the ROKK!" said the fatty as he turned up the voltage on his neck goiter.

fatty, owen — Fatty takes time to demonstrate how he likes the ladies to handle his "mic".

fatty — "Ever fallen in love with someone you shouldn't have fallen in love with?" Yes. See picture of girl's nipple, above.

fatty, me — Fatty couldn't resist getting of this last shot of Battjer rocking his tangerine shouldered ski jacket sans irony. The fucking balls on this kid. YOU GO GIRL!

THANKS FOR CAPTIONING THIS ENTRY FOR ME, GRANT!