August 13, 2003

Pick Up Lines at the Ford Modeling Party

My best friend Grant writes a column for Nerve.com called "I Did it For Science" in which he gets dispatched once a month to try something vaguely (or sometimes explicitly) sexual and then writes it up in the format of a 7th grade science lab report. For his August column, he had to take the top ten winners from Nerve's Pick-up Line Contest and try them out on girls at a bar.

When Michael Martin, Nerve's editor, overheard that I had a plus-one invite to the Ford Modeling Agency's Anniversary party, Grant's fate was sealed: not only would he have to try out the pick up lines on actual girls, he'd have to try them out on actual supermodel girls - sneering down at him from their high-heeled tower of hotness! Here we go!

carrie, grant — Grant was very nervous about having to deliver a bunch of corny (and in some cases outright offensive) lines to a gaggle of models, so Carrie offered to help out by letting him practice them on her at the office. Check out Carrie feigning modelesque-indifference as she puffs her imaginary Gauloise.

**Here are just a few of the choice lines he was rehearsing:**
"I'm going outside to make out. Care to join me?"
"Honey, your dad doesn't have a penis. He's got a paintbrush!"
"You give me the hardest semi I have ever had."
"Hey baby, wanna go halfsies on a bastard child?"

**And let's not forget my personal favorite:**
"You are, by far, the most interesting piece of ass i've talked to all evening."

Yeah, all of a sudden his trepidation is starting to make a little more sense, right?

grant, me, vin — I met up with a well-liquored Grant on 2nd & 2nd and we walked up to meet Vinay outside of Plaid on 13th & 4th (actually "well-liquored" is probably a bit of an understatement considering he almost threw up on the walk up).

grant, viola h — Within in seconds of entering the party we ran into Grant's former supermodel roommate, Viola (who you may remember as host of ridiculous Halloween parties in both 2001 and 2002). After we cleared up the confusion ("How did you three clowns get allowed in here?"), Grant explained his assignment and asked Viola how he thought his pick up lines would go over with some of the other female party attendees. She goes, "Probably somthing like...."

daniella van graas, grant — "So, Daniella. . . when you gonna let me up in them guts?"

daniella van graas, grant, viola h — Death by Glamazon. Sign me up

daniella van graas, grant, me, viola h — Oy vey.

grant, vin — Shortly after, Viola and her crew took off (probably becaues the likes of us were getting let into the place). Grant ordered another steep G&T in preparation for the much more difficult task of trying the same lines on girls that he's never lived with.

ali, me — A few moments later, I saw this girl Ali I know (whom Grant had never met) over by the bar and told her I wanted to introduce her to buddy Grant.

ali, grant — I brought Grant over and introduced him and took a few steps back to let him work his magic...

grant — Before I get going on these next few photos let me pre-emptively, in Grant's defense, point out that these pictures all look super-bright because of my camera's flash - in actuality, the club was very dimly lit, which is probably why Grant didn't realize that the "superhot black chick" (his words) he was trying to chat up was actually...

This girl took it to heart and decided to look for the party herself.

laure, louise — So check this out: the previous night I was at a party at a place called Capitale and I met, Laure (the girl on the right), a Parisian living in New York for the summer. She told me that the next day was her birthday - I got her number and told her that I'd love to meet up with her should she decide to hit the town for her birthday. Long story short, she called me the next day and agreed to come meet us at Plaid with, in her words, "a cute girl and two guys." So Laure showed up with Louise (the girl on the left)...

grant, me, nicolas — ...and two guys: Pascal and Nicolas - who in the most randomest coincidence of all time were fans of this website! It turns out Pascal and Nicolas work for a French wine company that had done business with Nerve and one day while Google-searching for information on Nerve, they came across my site and ended up reading most of it. So when Laure went to introduce Grant and myself to them, they were like "We already know zeese guys! Zey are cuh-razy!"

nicolas — I tried to give Nicolas the old "check out this character" finger-point, but Frenchy was all studied-up on my moves and managed to counter with his very own *"Ooo does zeese guy theenk ee iz?"* finger right back at me. Damn, he's good.

laure, me — After a few drinks, there was a...

grant, louise — ...whole lotta smooching going on!

beyonce, grant — Including...that's right! Looks like the despite their earlier misunderstanding, Grant and Beyonce's older brother were ready to patch things up.

grant, nicolas, pascal — Holy shit, is that a gangsign Pascal's throwing down in the middle? These guys really *have* been reading my site!

vin — Vin cold-kicking it on the dancefloor.

grant, laure, me, nicolas, pascal, vin — Vin, Grizzle, Pascal, Nicolas, Laure and moi.

vin — Third Avenue McDonald's: 4am. I used Photoshop to remove that big old dollop of Special Sauce on Vin's face, but the picture just wasn't the same without it - so I put it back in.