i keep a diary

December 21, 2001

Midget Madness

For the holidays this year I packed up the car and headed home for an extended visit with my family out in New Jersey. I spent the majority of those seven days sitting down in my parent's basement with my little brother (he's home from college in Indiana) playing PS2, XBox and eating more junkfood than I think I've ever eating in my life. In between pushing buttons and stuffing my yob, I did manage to leave the house a few times.

I know, I know, with the title of this page, you're dying to get right to the part about the midget (and friend, who can blame you?), but before we get to the midget, there's a little side story that must be told...

So we're leaving the first bar we stopped at (before going to the bar where the midget was) and we see this new BMW parked next to us...the sunroof was still open from when the kids driving it pulled into the parking lot moments earlier blasting gangsta rap so that everyone would know that even though they might look like spoiled, white, suburban, bitches...they were really hard-ass, dangerous, playas, yo. Scott (my best friend from high school) wanted to teach them a lesson about leaving your sunroof open and proceeded to void his bladder all over their car. I almost wet my own pants watching him pinching his dick to build up pressure and then releasing it to send a towering arc of golden piss high enough to actually get into the car through the sunroof. BWA-HA-HA!
car ˆ pee
scott
No more pee. Thumbs up! (I'm surprised this picture isn't blurry considering how violently I was laughing when I took it.)
laugh ˆ thumbs up ˆ scott
After fleeing the scene of the place where the car-peeing took place, we headed up to a bar on lake Hopactcong called the Tidal Wave. We show up to the place and right when we walk in we see this group of girl dancing in a circle around a guy who appears to be really far away. Upon closer examination, we realized that he wasn't far away, he was a MIDGET!
dance ˆ midget ˆ tidal wave
scott
After dancing with the midget, Scott and I started asking people that we knew who he was. Turns out, some friends of ours from high school saw him singing kareoke at a bar 20 minutes cross town and they were so thoroughly entertained by him that they just grabbed him and brought him along. When we asked them how he was getting home they told us, "Hey, if you want to give him a ride home, you can have him for the night." That's right. They gave us their midget.
midget ˆ scott
scott
Now Scott and I had spent many an hour compiling lists of things we would do if, per chance, we were ever given our very own midget. So we didn't waste any time and got right down to the activity at the top of our list: finding out just how much alcohol a midget can actually consume.
best ˆ midget ˆ tidal wave ˆ scott
dana kunz, me
In the midst of all our drunken midget-plotting, I ran into Dana Kunz, who lived a few houses down the street from me in high school!
roxbury high school ˆ tidal wave ˆ dana kunz ˆ me
Ok, back to the midget! We told him flat out: "We'll buy you drinks, but you've gotta drink them on the dance floor." We started him out nice and easy with a screwdriver (keep in mind, when he was handed over to us, he was already totally shitfaced. He was from Japan and couldn't even say his name. We told him we didn't need to know his name...and that if we needed him we'd just say "Hey! Midget!" And he nodded vigorously as he pretended to understand us).
dance ˆ midget ˆ point ˆ tidal wave
Two screwdrivers later, the midget was still ambulatory (and dancing up a storm) So we decided it was time to step things up a notch...and started buying him shots. Of Tequilla. Cheap Tequilla. Cheap Bar Tequilla...which he drank with no further prompting from us, on the dancefloor. (Note girl in white shirt in the background laughing and pointing.) Tequilla makes all kinds of people do crazy stuff. We couldn't wait to see what it would make the midget do...
best ˆ dance ˆ midget ˆ point ˆ shots ˆ tidal wave
...turns out, tequila makes midgets break dance. I shit you not, the minute he finished his first shot, this midget, this fifty-something-year-old barely-speaks-any-English, drunk, midget, starts God-honest break dancing.
best ˆ breakdance ˆ midget
Er, sort of....but he got an "A+" for effort in my book. (You should've seen his little midget legs pumping to the beat as he attempted "the scramble." Priceless.
best ˆ breakdance ˆ dance ˆ midget ˆ tidal wave
Word.
best ˆ dance ˆ midget ˆ tidal wave