July 08, 2004

Frank Picarazzi's Bachelor Party

With our good friend Frank Picarazzi soon to be married to the lovely and wonderful Liz Reisch, a bachelor party was in order. Seth "Limo Rental" Miller stepped up to the planning plate and headed down from Boston to direct the festivities.

Wednesday night at 7pm sharp, my cell phone rang. It was Seth. "Battjer, look out your window, we're heeeeeeeeeeere." I pulled back my bedroom curtain and instantly shuddered. After rhetorically asking myself countless times "What kind of douchenozzle would actually ever drive around Manhattan in a fucking HUMMER-LIMO?" I'd finally answered my own question. Doh. (In Seth's defense, he'd actually ordered a normal strech limo but it'd broken down and this was the only other car the company had onhand that would accomodate our group.)

fatty, frank — Hey, hey! It's Frank the Bachelor!

frank — A bachelor isn't officially a bachelor until you've added some embarrassing comedy props. Clown nose: check.

frank — Condom hat and "You're-getting-married" ball & chain: Check.

fatty, frank — With Frank properly attired, we instructed the driver to make a few victory laps around Soho so we could shoot the shit and have a few drinks before our first destination: Blue Mountain BBQ on Spring St.

fatty — The Fatty sipping on a cerveza.

colin, frank, seth — Seth "Bachelor Mastermind" Miller.

Yours truly.

colin — Colin "Big Daddy" Gentle kicking it Jodeci style in the back o' tha limo.

frank — After a few laps around the hood (and a quick glance at the foot traffic on the sidewalk to ensure no one we knew would see us getting out of SUPERHUMMER) we got to Blue Mountain BBQ.

colin, fatty, frank, me, seth — The gang getting ready to chow down. (PS - Already at this early point in the night, Chef, who you can barely see peeking out behind Colin, was so wasted that he kept screaming at the restaurant and almost had us thrown out).

colin, fatty, frank, seth — Bellies full o' BBQ, we hopped back into the limo and looked to Seth for the next destiniation.

seth — True computer nerd that he is, Seth had brought his laptop complete with an Excel spreadsheet that listed all the NYC-area titty bars and the pros and cons of each (topless only, full nude, drinks available, etc).

seth — Seth doing his impression of we were likely to soon see in the...

...Peep World vicinity. In the end, we actually decided to go to a strip club where our friend Joanna (a former Nerve.com intern from back in the day) was working at the time. (Link NSFW).

Here's a no-flash shot just so you can appreciate the neon accents (just like way back when we were in Montreal, right?)

colin, fatty, seth — Big Daddy, Fatty and Seth.

frank — Antonio (who you may remember from the night we did karaoke and Tracey Morgan showed up) and Frank.

frank, matt lesser, sid and buddy — After the (outright boring) trip to the nudy bar, we decided to head to Remote Lounge and take over Sid and Buddy's karaoke night there. (I guess karaoke's becoming a bachelor party trend?)

seth, sid and buddy — Seth "Palm-greaser" Miller, introduced Sid & Buddy to his good friend "Mr. Frankin" and instantly the karaoke stage was ours. Here's Seth kicking things off with some Stevie.

grant, sid and buddy — Followed by Grant doing a lil Gn'R.

grant, sid and buddy

frank, sid and buddy — Then it was time for the Man of Honor to take the stage.

frank, grant, sid and buddy — Grant onstange trying to get the hang of the very unique "FrankDance."

frank, sid and buddy — Bringing the house down...

frank, sid and buddy — ...down to its KNEES!

colin, frank, sid and buddy — Big Daddy took the mic and kicked a little Lionel Ritchie "Celebration" (and Frank stayed on stage to back him up).

colin, frank — Halfway through the song, he was joined by Shef, who was so drunk at this point he could hardly walk (which may explain why he choose to stay up on the stage trying to sing along with every single person until we eventually had to forceably remove him from stage).

After screaming along incoherently into an extra mic during the first half of this couple's duet, homeboy in the green shirt finally managed to wrangle away Shef's mic and hide it on him. Unfazed, Shef decided to make up for his lack of mic by just singing even louder for the remainder of their song.

fatty, frank, seth — Here's the gang cheering him on.

After their song ended, Chef got a mic back and started solo-riffing to the crowd sans music about how he wanted to "eat the blonde girl's ass."

colin, seth — "Whoa! Not coo', not coo!" Colin and Seth watched on in horror as Chef continued his a capella serenade detailing his wish to engage in anallingus with a stranger. It was around this time that Seth made the executive decision to get Chef the hell off stage.

kanue, seth — Which cleared the lane for his big duet with (South African model and bizarro Nicole Kidman lookalike) Kanue.

kanue, seth — Seth moved in during the sweeping romantic chorus, until the song finally climaxed into a loving, tender...

kanue, seth — ...ass-cupping. (Hey Seth, does your girlfriend still read my site? Hope not! Hahah).

Matt and Kanue slow danced off stage and this thing climaxed with an...

matt lesser — ...accidental boobie flash! Noice! (I know Boy Scouts that have bandanas bigger than that shirt. Jesus.)

grant — Grant hitting the stage also remarked the triumphant return of Chef! Yes! He sang the Darkness' I Believe in a Thing Called Love. (Which practically demands multiple David Lee Rothesque aerial maneuvers).

grant — Not one to disappoint a frenzied crowd, here's one. And...

frank, grant — ...(even better!) number two.

His perfect rendition of The Darkness prompted Kanue to join him onstage for yet another lustful duet.

grant, kanue — Uh-oh! If you thought things were getting hot onstage...

grant, kanue — ...right after they got off stage, Grant almost got off.

frank, seth — After one more Stevie song courtesy of Seth and the boys...

kanue, seth — ....okay, and one more grope, er, I mean pic with Kanue, it was time for us to...

...pull Shef off the stage once again and head for our...

frank, grant, seth — ...NEON CHARIOT of military might! We all sang songs...

seth — ...while Seth fired up his laptop in search of our next pervy destination.

And Chef, well he just took it easy in the corner.

grant — We ended up heading out the Runway 69 in Queens which on the sign outside promised some very intriguing 'All "NUDE" Dancing.' Grant was stymied, while Seth seemed to have...

seth — ...a "firmer handle" on the implied.

fatty, grant — Just to be safe, we made sure Grant was suited up. Hahaha.

grant — After our club "experience" (I seem to recall getting treated to visually stunning dispaly of vaginal gymnastics including a woman who smoked a cigarette "down there") we hopped back into the limo and headed back to Manhattan to find something to eat.

grant — Oh, and to put our nuts in Chef's passed out face.

Bwa-hahahaha.

fatty, frank, grant, seth — 4am found us back in the East Village at Odessa's for some late night grub.

frank — After a long night of boozing, karaoking and nooody-girl watching, the bachelor boy began showing signs of fatigue.

frank, seth — Seth, however, was unflagging.

frank — We finished our meals and after befriending a local crazy man...

...we hit the SUPERLIMO one last time to be driven home.

After being dropped off at my apartment, here's my 5am photo of SUPERLIMO driving away to drop off the rest of the boys. Congrats, Frank!