Who the fuck buys a hearse and then is like "Hmmm, it's pretty goth but NOT GOTH ENOUGH FOR ME! I'm gonna need to get me some plywood and some stained glass and build a little evil church on top." If had me that shit I would've totally redid it to look like the Ghostbuster's car. (Although, now that I think about it, I'm not sure if that's more gay or less gay?)
On Tuesday morning my fever finally broke and I decided to go car shopping. I still wasn't sure if I actually wanted to buy a car out there, but considering the only two people I knew in the entire Bay Area were still in Paris, car shopping was better than "sitting on the couch more." I went to the BMW/Mini Cooper dealer to look into what a Mini'd cost. Turns out these cars are so in demand in SF that the dealership adds a $5k cost to the sticker price. I was like "Why?" The guy looked at me and laughed: "Uh....because we can." Thanks for clarifying that for me....DICK!
Upon landing, I hit the rental center and spent almost an hour trying to figure out what kind of car I wanted to rent. (I decided to rent one for a month while I decided whether or not to buy one). I came super close to getting this Dodge Magnum because it looks like the kind of station wagon that Darth Vader would drive if he had to make a grocery run. But in the end, it's piss poor gas mileage scared the crap out of me (Gas is like $2 a gallon? Last time I had a car shit was like $1.05!) and I ended up getting a no frills Nissan Sentra because it got awesome mileage and the stereo had a 1/8" input jack so I could plug in my iPod directly. Sold!
Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the gleaming seductress that is Bas Vegas! The minute we stepped out of the car, our pulses quickened as we were bathed in her come-hither neon glow.
Gemma was feeling really ill (I think Grant poisoned her so she couldn't stick around to be flirted with any longer) so around 4:30pm the Stoddard fam packed it up and headed back to Essex leaving us to sightsee.
On the walk home I spotted this (what I'm guessing is an '86) Lamborghini Countach parked right across the street from my apartment in front of Capitale. I half-heartedly hung around hoping the owner would come out and I could take a picture of him before he drove it back to the set of Miami Vice but after 10 minutes I got bored and went home.
After their treat, the boys hopped back in the Probe and headed to the rental car place to meet up with me (I was driving down to Boston and had to drop off my rental car). In their boredom, they started practicing...
After breakfast we said our goodbye and hopped in our respective rides. Colin, shown here in his Ford Focus SVT (only 7,000 made yaknow!), headed back to Brooklyn solo and Seth headed back up to Boston solo. Grant, Frank, Fatty and myself decided we were going to go back to Manhattan and see "American Wedding." We split up into two cars (me with Fatty, Grant with Frank) and decided we'd have a race back to NYC. First team to make it to the movie theater wins. Aw, yeah.
After a few aspirin and several liters of water *whew*, we hopped in the car and drove out to Ross & Jordana's house in the valley where we also met up with Emma Taylor and Lorelei Sharkey who were in LA for two days as part of their book tour.
Schtopping for Schnacks in Stuart's pimping Town Car! (The battery needed to be replaced so every time he turned the car off, he needed to use a portable jumpstarter to get it going again.)
First thing we did after we dropped my bag off was head over to Stake 'n Shake. But before we get to that, check out my brother throwin' down with the crotch grab in front of his bitching ride. (Yeah, it's a station wagon, but it's a station wagon that does 0-60 in 4.88 seconds. That means his Subaru station wagon can take both a BMW M5 and a Corvette LS1 off the line. Whaaaa?). Anyway, this picture was taken in the parking lot of...
Tuesday night I hopped a flight to LA for a bunch of meetings. And the wonderous Kate Hill (recently transplanted from Boston and shown here posing with her bitching new ride) was gracious enought to pick me up at the airport (and chaffeur my ass around town).
So we're leaving the first bar we stopped at (before going to the bar where the midget was) and we see this new BMW parked next to us...the sunroof was still open from when the kids driving it pulled into the parking lot moments earlier blasting gangsta rap so that everyone would know that even though they might look like spoiled, white, suburban, bitches...they were really hard-ass, dangerous, playas, yo. Scott (my best friend from high school) wanted to teach them a lesson about leaving your sunroof open and proceeded to void his bladder all over their car. I almost wet my own pants watching him pinching his dick to build up pressure and then releasing it to send a towering arc of golden piss high enough to actually get into the car through the sunroof. BWA-HA-HA!
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