a thing in 29 photos
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So when he came out of the bathroom, Scott waved him over and said in a good-natured tone "You know, I spent four hours today painting this place - if you're going to write on it, you could at least have the courtesty to practice your tag more at home." It was just some light-hearted ball-busting and we expected the guy to be like "Oh, shit" and bust our balls right back. But instead, without missing a beat, he leaned over, got all up in Scott's face (keep in mind that at 220, Scott had an easy 70lbs on this guy) and was like "What are you trying to say, bitch?" Scott, not breaking his mellow tone, replied, "Oh, was I unclear? I was saying that I think you're tag isn't very good." Again, we waited for him to get the joke and tease us back but instead he got REALLY ANGRY.
When someone gets really angry for no apparent reason, the best way to insight further anger is by staying (antagonizingly) calm. In the spirit of this maxim, Scott batted his eyelashes at the guy (whose name at some point we'd learned was Tobias) and said "Before you go getting all angry at me about my opinion, I want you to step back, take a good look at the tag you wrote on the wall over there and ask yourself 'Tobias, is this my personal best?'" I had no idea where Scott was going with this and as soon as I heard the phrase "personal best" I started cracking the fuck up which about sent Tobias through the roof.
He stepped over in front of where I was sitting and got up in my face "What, MOTHERFUCKER? You a fucking art critic too? You want to get in a fight over this shit, MOTHERFUCKER?" So without standing up, I politely explained "No, I don't want to fight. I just don't think you're tag is very good either. In fact, I think it's the dumbest tag I've ever seen." At this point Tobias questioned my ability to criticize his tag (I believe he sited me as not being "street" enough, yo) so I decided to appeal to the crowd of onlookers that had begun to gather when Tobias started raising his voice. I called over the nearest person and asked what he thought of Tobias' tag. The guy, who'd clearly heard the whole exchange (and clearly wanted to wind Tobias up further) said "Oh, man, that the GAYEST tag I've ever seen. I mean, it's truly, truly terrible."
Towards the end, he mixed it up a little: "Yo, you're lucky it's just me. How about if I call my crew up and get them to come down here?" Scott, called his bluff "Tobias, it's 3:40am on a Wednesday. More than anything else in the world, I would love for you to call your crew up. Go ahead, call them up. And then when they get here, when you're "crew" is all here, we can fight. How does that sound? Does that sound good to you?" The audience that had gathered, laughed at this, and what little signs Tobias had earlier shown of calming down and leaving us along immediately disappeared and he began trying to get us to punch him with a newfound fervor.
At this point, Scott realized that Tobias clearly wasn't going to go away on his own accord, so in his loudest speaking voice (and keep in mind that as a former opera singer, he can speak very loud) Scott said "EXCUSE ME, COULD YOU PLEASE LEAVE ME ALONE. I JUST WANT TO SIT HERE AND ENJOY MY DRINK AND YOU'RE IN MY PERSONAL SPACE." Tobias kept leaning into Scott's face saying "C'mon hit, me. C'mon!" etc. So again, Scott said "I'M ASKING YOU AGAIN - PLEASE STOP BOTHERING ME. YOU'RE STANDING TOO CLOSE TO ME AND YOU'RE TRYING TO PICK A FIGHT WITH ME AND YOU'RE MAKING ME UNCOMFORTABLE." Tobias didn't stop. So Scott stands up and Tobias steps up to get close to his face again. Seeing no other way, Scott turned his head to the sizeable crowd that had gathered to watch the very small guy persist to berate the very big, bald guy, and asked them "Does everyone here see what's been going on?" Before they could answer, Scott quickly dipped down low for a second and exploded out of his crouched position and with his outstreched arms sent an unsuspecting Tobias sailing backwards, legs up in the air, several feet through the air.
Tobias landed square on his back, smacked his head on the floor and continued to slide backwards with his legs up. He stopped just short of crashing into the bar (which, no joke, was a good 15" from where he'd been standing just a second earlier) and scrambled to his feet. In the sevearal moments that Tobias stood there wild-eyed and quaking, staring at Scott across the distance he'd just so uniquely traveled, torn between wanting to charge at Scott while at the same time understanding that the guy he wanted to charge at was the one that had just sent him hurtling through the air, the bouncer (that I guess had been standing outside on the street the whole time) heard the commotion, came running to the back, grabbed a hold of Tobias and positioned himself between the two men. As soon as the bouncer got a firm hold on him, Tobias, who'd spent the prior ten seconds in a state of non-action, started ferociously struggling to get free so he could kick Scott's "fucking bald ass." After thirty seconds of trying to calm Tobias down, the bouncer looking over Tobia's clearly larger opponent and told him "If you don't calm the fuck down, I'm going to let you go." Tobias immediately calmed down. With Tobias under control, the bouncer walked over to Scott and told him that he was going to have to leave. At this point, the whole back room chimed in to tell the bouncer that it was the other guy that should be thrown out and Tobias (with cheers from crowd) was ejected from the bar. The bouncer, whose name was Jamal, came back in, and after hearing what had happened from a few onlookers, apologized and bought Scott a beer. Oh, and here's the best part:
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