March 02, 2005

Siege's White Trash Birthday Bash

Hey hey, so guess what? I just realized that this is the last event Meredith wrote up on her website before she stopped doing it! So after this it's all uncharted diary territory! Ooooooh! Ok, on to the entry!

For our buddy's Siege's birthday, his gal Katie planned a White Trash-themed surprise party! Grant and I were given the mission to keep Siege out of the house while the party was set up and guests arrived.

grant, me — Here's Grant and I waiting on the corner of Delancey and Bowery for Siege to come off the JMZ (if you don't live in NYC, that's a subway). Grant and I decided that the best way to keep Siege occupied for an hour and give him some birthday loving would be to take him to...

...a massage parlor in Chinatown (aka - "The JackShack") for a rub n' tug. This place is hilarious because it's actually a legitimate massage place where they do amazing Qigong deep tissue massage (and back walking!) but every once in a while you randomly win the "hand job lottery" and get a happy ending. So Grant, Siege and I went through that swinging door you see in the back to test our luck! Fast forward one hour and two out of the three of us made out like bandits! Was the birthday boy one of them?

siege — Nope! Hahaha. Siege, who doesn't even like being touched, endured an hour long, rigorous massage in the hopes that he'd get to finally learn about the "ancient Chinese secret," and got gypped!

grant, siege — Siege nursing his swollen nuts on the subway ride out to Brooklyn for the surprise party (which he'd totally figured out was coming. I mean, c'mon, birthday or not it's always suspicious when two of your friends are like "Let's hang out in Manhattan for an hour and then go back to your place in Brooklyn.").

katie, siege — Katie came out to greet us in all her white-trash glory and while Siege was busy being surprised by all his guests, Grant and I snuck off to the bathroom so that we could don our own...

grant — ...white-trash accoutrements. Check out our sweet, matching...

grant, me — ...moustaches! Hahaha. Every single time I look at Grant's expression in this pic I actually laugh out loud. (And now that I'm looking again, I guess my silky, blonde moustache is pretty sweet as well).

There was an incredible "white trash" buffet table with probably the most unique party centerpiece I've ever scene (note the shuck of Pixie Stix coming out of her inflatible verginer!)

And those hot tattoos you see adorning her inflatible body? Why yes, those are made out of...

...Oscar Meyer bologna and spray cheese! *burp*

Topped off with a creeeeeeepy wig. "Shut yer pretzel hole and cook me dinner, whore!"

siege — The birthday boy trying to ease his "lack of handjob" disappointment with a lil' comfort food.

If you know Siege, you know that his favorite food is "anything orange."

astra, me — Me and Astra.

astra, me — Hahahaha.

And the footwear? Oh yes.

astra — Booby exploring.

katie, nina — KT and Nina.

astra, ellen s, katie — Astra, Ellen and Katie.

ellen s, me — Ellen and me (showing off my wonky, white-trash eye).

astra, siege — Siege and Astra.

ellen s — After getting settled, Ellend busted out her JuGGzï¿½ birthday cake and then snuck off to "ice them."

Jerome (Katie's illegitimate halfie) cold chilling on the stoop while he waits for Ellen to finish decorating the cake.

siege — The fruit of Ellen's labor! It's Birthday Titty cake!

amanda, grant — Amanda and Grant.

amanda, grant, katie — Katie was bending over behind the couch and I managed to snap this shot of the free show we all got! Free show!

Knocked up slut on a bike! Knocked up slut on a bike!

grant — Jerome and wonky-eyed Grant!

meredith, nina — Meanwhile, at the other end of the living room, Nina and Meredith were getting wild with the Pixie Stix.

Uh-oh!

Cleavage licking.

Ok, these pics are getting kind of gratuitious so maybe I should just skip ahead and...nah, fuck it. These pics rule!

meredith, nina — Woo, boob-licking antics!

amanda, grant — Grizz and Amanda cracking beers in the kitchen.

astra — Oh, Astra. Sweet, sweet, Astra.

astra — Astra sorta had a thing going on for my shiny, faux-leather slipper-loafers and my white tube socks.

astra — No, really.

astra, socs — Hahah. That a girl! Get in there and make 'em shine!

siege — Siege shows off his new telephoto lens (with pistol grip!).

These two troublemakers again.

amanda, grant — Amanda & Grant.

siege — Siege shooting all of the party guests in the kitchen.

amanda, siege — Amanda trashin' it up.

amanda, grant, siege — *Gasp!*

meredith, nina — Nina had the "bottom halves" action rocking like nobody's business...

meredith, nina — ...and was only too happy to help Meredith achieve the same look.

meredith, nina — Ta-dah!

meredith, nina — Nina can't keep her eyes off her own handiwork.

meredith, nina, siege — Hahah.

astra, katie — Katie and Astra.

Amanda was showing off her runway walk and Grant (who has small feet) decided that he...

amanda, grant — ...wanted to get in on some of the runway struttin' action.

grant — Ready?

grant — Fierce!

astra, siege — Siege popping out a bday boobie!

astra — What comes around goes around!

White-trash self-portrait.

Here are some of Siege's "wall portraits" of various party guests. This one's pretty fucking awesome.

What the fuck is wrong with my eyes? Siege swears he didn't alter them in Photoshop but it's hard for me to believe him seeing as my eyes make me look like a character in Soundgarden's Black Hole Sun video. WTF?

me, meredith — Me grabbing a hold of two sweet, sweet cans (a Bud Pounder and Sue May's sweet bottom).

Dollop!

alysha — On the way home, I stopped at Bar Eleven (which is what the Annex used to be called!) so that Alysha who was still in town from SF could admire my sexy, sexy moustache.

karen, sarah — Sarah and Karen were DJing and someone introduced me to Karen as "Billy Ray" and told her that she'd lost her virginity to me. I talked to Karen as Billy Ray for like three or four minutes before she was like, "Have we met before? You seem...really...familiar....OH MY GOD BRIAN I HATE YOU!" Hahaha. Granted, it was dark in there!

alysha, me — Hahaha. So blonde and so silky. One day, mark my words, one day I will be able to grow that thing for real! Happy Birthday, Siege!