Later that evening I took the L train out to Brooklyn to meet up with Vin and hit a house party. While waiting for the train I spotted this guy dressed up in all pink!
Back at the house, we packed up our stuff. Before showering and shaving, Steve and I compared the facial hair we'd both let grow out for the last 5 days. When two Battjers have a facial hair contest, it turns out that...
My dad picked us up at the airport and the mustache that he'd so proudly presented to me a month prior had blossomed into even greater beauty! My dad's deep pride about his new 'stache was clearly starting to cause concern with Brett and Amy; their wedding was coming up in a couple of weeks and they were starting to worry that a certain uninvited guest was going to make an appearance in all their wedding photos. (Spoiler alert: Mr. Mustache ends up attending the wedding! Yes!)
My dad picked me up at the Morristown train station. Check out the mustache he was sporting when I arrived. It's a on-going joke that none of us (except my dad's brother, Bruce) can grow a mustache - so as sparse as this bad-boy was, my dad was still super proud of it. (Personally, I think I gave him a run for his money with the mustache I grew while I was away on a meditation retreat).
Here's the pic I snapped of the two of them cozying up at like 5:30am before I left. I ran into Xiaoting two weeks later and she simultaneously started laughing and hitting me. Then explained, "I was so drunk I ended up flirting and talking with that dude for hours before finally getting around to mentioning how cool it was that he was in Guns n Roses and he was like 'What?!?'" Hahahahahaha. Oh man, what's better than this photo? Happy August!
...I ended up managing to convince a TOTALLY WASTED Xiaoting that the guy in the hat was "Slash from Guns N Roses." She got all giddy and was like "Ohmigod, I LOVE GnR! Are you serious? Are you sure that's him?" I was like "Of COURSE it's him! Don't you know what Slash looks like?" She started freaking out "Wow! I HAVE to meet him! Should I go over there?" I told her I thought she should, but offered up one last word of advice: "Whatever you do, don't bring the whole Guns n Roses thing right away. I've heard he HATES people that only want to meet him because he's famous." So Xiaoting went over and was being all shy and flirty with him (while we laughed hysterically and watched).
Not sure who the mustachioed man in the embroidered shirt was (one of the Killers roadies?). But when he broke out his guitar and started playing tunes...
On the way home, I stopped at Bar Eleven (which is what the Annex used to be called!) so that Alysha who was still in town from SF could admire my sexy, sexy moustache.
...moustaches! Hahaha. Every single time I look at Grant's expression in this pic I actually laugh out loud. (And now that I'm looking again, I guess my silky, blonde moustache is pretty sweet as well).
What the fuck is wrong with my eyes? Siege swears he didn't alter them in Photoshop but it's hard for me to believe him seeing as my eyes make me look like a character in Soundgarden's Black Hole Sun video. WTF?
While waiting for a cab outside, I saw the Moustache (note the use of a capital "M") that Grant's moustache aspires to one day be and I asked its owner if he'd mind letting his moustache pose for a picture with my friend's baby-moustache. He was happy to oblige.
Here's Grant practicing shilling for Finlandia vodka. (Just a few days earlier he'd found out that Jake had managed to get Grant on the the all expenses paid Finlandia press-junket trip to Finland and Lapland!)
Grant arrived and Emily immediately swooped in close to assess his holiday moustache. With my fancy cam all busted out already, we decided it was time for aerial pics!
The next few gift were to help me fit in with "all of the homeless people that you're sure to be hanging out with." Fake moustaches (because my friends all know that I can't grow a real moustache to save my life).
So you know that song "La Isla Bonita" by Madonna? Well this cute red girl is singing it all serious and right in the middle of the chorus this dude shows up wearing a fake moustache and yells the last line of every chorus.
So the pretty girl sings "Tropical the island breeze / All of nature wild and free / This is where I long to be..." and then he grabs the mic each time and screams, in an uber-offensive pseudo Mexican accent "LA ISLA BO-NEEEEE-TOOOOH!" I think I almost shit myself laughing. "SAAAAAN PAY-DROE!"
At one point in the night, Grant and I gave dirty lap dances to Em & Lo up on stage in front of everyone. (Check out Emma trying to escape my grasp! Hahahaha).
Grant, author Jack Murnighan, and some Medieval-type guy who almost jizzed his pants when he learned that Jack had a PhD in Medievel literature. He kept trying to talk to Jack about various Medieval festivals he'd attended. It was great. What you can't see in this picture is that the Medieval guy is wearing a Crash Test Dummies concert-tee. Boo-Yah!
With headband on, Grant gives his "rig" one final adjustment and he's ready to rock. Actually, at this time we were considering engaging in an age old male-stripper practice known as "tying-off." This is where one rubs his member until he's got some "bloodflow downstairs" (also commonly known as a "chubby"). Once chub status has been achieved, one takes a silk scarf or a piece of rope and ties it around the base of the penis, restricting blood flow and keeping the penis engorged.
Basically, doing this makes you look like you have a huge weiner and makes the girls give you more money because they're all too busy fantasizing about your enormous wang to think clearly. But just as we were preparing to "tie off," one of our fellow not-so-novice dancers, told us to be careful. When we asked why, he told us "Dude, if you tie off for more than 20 minutes you run the risk of....(dramatic pause) a rupture." Needless to say, we decided that it would be better for girls to think we had small penises than tie-off and risk having no penises.
Before heading over to Joe's Pub to be briefed on our stripping mission, Grant and I downed several drinks and consulted sex-advice experts Em and Lo about the kind of moves we would need to be busting to truly insight female frenzy. (By the way, Grant's wearing that fake moustache because he felt like he'd be inhibited if he didn't have "something to hide behind.")
When there's free booze to be found at a party, you'll also usally find a drunk Josh Tiexiera grabbing men's packages. This kid should just straight up come out of the closet already...
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