The funniest part of the night is when I sat down to look something up on Fatty's computer and when I typed in the letters "G" and "I," Fatty's Google history totally sold him out and revealed one of his previous Google searches: "gifts for guys that like guitars with babies" that was clearly from when he used Google to try to figure out what to get his little brother for the holidays. This is fucking priceless and I still laugh every time I see it.
One of Meredith's friends was there visiting and when I asked her to make her ugliest face, she put her entire hand in her mouth. (Which marked the only time someone's "ugly face" gave me a chubby. Hahahah).
The show started out normal enough, but then halfway through the set, this wannabe Lenny Kravitz pushed his way up to the stage and started giving Grant funny looks.
Grant was so distracted, that he eventually just ended up inviting the guy up on stage. Things got even weirder when he produced a Minnie Mouse hand puppet from out of thin air.
Later that night, Meredith came over with good news and bad news. The good news was she was finally ready to get back together. The bad news was that she wanted me to read the book Men Are Mars, Women Are from Venus. (Which, and I never thought in a million years that I'd actually say this, I learned a lot from and actually totally changed our relationship for the better!)
Each of the photograph series in the books came with its own plastic packet filled with "edible fragrances" printed on that same edible film they make those Listerine breath-strips out of. It was creepy. Some of the flavors/fragrances included: Guilt, Power, Youth, Orgasm, and my personal favorite...
Candy's bass player had a 5-string bass that had LIGHT-UP fret markers! ("Light-up" as in, yes, they were actually powered by a battery pack or something). It was the most awesomely cheesetastic thing I think I've ever seen at a rock club in NYC (and that's saying a lot!).
That's right! It's some milataristis wet-dream doll-reenactment of US Special forces capturing Osama and Saddam together once and for all PROVING that Iraq was linked to 9/11.
Please take a moment now to imagine in your mind the gun-toting, jingoistic nutjob who actually took the time to buy these dolls and arrange them (aka - play with the dolls!!!) and put up this display at the gun shop?
(PS - Check out the flag-toting fanboy in the background representing stars & stripes while the one dude prepares to MOTHERFUCKING EXECUTE Bin Laden. Who by the way, hasn't aged a day in the last 6 years....hmmmmm.)
As we were nearing the Bay Area, there were all of these crazy-colored bodies of water. I'm hoping it's not pollution, but whatever was causing it, it sure was pretty!
Whoa, upon closer examination, I realized that the dragon's tongue is turning into the dude's headphones. I'm not sure what the deep symbolism means exactly, but it's sure-as-shit left me speechless. Wow. Just wow.
Afterwards, I ended up in a bookstore where I found this amazing book of magazine ads from the 1980s. Check out this fucking AMAZING ad for a clothing store called Chess King. A dragon? Curly-haired muscle dude wearing headphones and holding a broken chain in one hand and an oiled, topless slut with a ceremonial dagger strapped to her leg in the other?
Then Baron decided to up the ante and make his steep I Keep a Diary debut even steeper - that's right, the undies came off. So, um, yeah. Here's Baron, at 12:08pm in the afternoon on a Tuesday, buck-naked in Sarah's living room cracking open a fresh brewski, while I'm snapping photos, Sarah's hysterically laughing, and Greg the Boyfriend (remember him!?) is trying to hide from my camera (not wanting to be seen in the room) and trying to not make accidental eye contact with Baron's wang.
...or the fact that he was accompanied to the park by an actual woman. Seen here hiding her face. Which I'm sure is only because of the sun. (What, you mean you'd be embarrassed to have a parrot on your ass?)
Yay! It's frozen pork snouts! (Incidentally, I think that was the first time in my life I've ever typed the word "snouts." What a fun word to type!) Anyway, we were pretty much laughing hysterically when we pulled this bad boy out of the freezer. After putting back the snoutsicles...
...boneless duck feet? Hmmmm....ok. I mean, I've heard of people down in the south eating pigs feet, so why not duck feet? Ok, gotcha. I'm feeling you so far, China. What's next?
Ahhhhh! The premium pork uterus! Er, what to say here? At least it's premium, I guess. Say what you will about my neighborhood, but at least we don't sell no second-rate reproductive swine organs. Ok, onto the frozen foods section!
...live eel bin! Pretty crazy to watch them all swimming around and shit, but hey, it's nothing I haven't seen on pretty much every block down in Chinatown, right? So then further in we came across the...
On Tuesday, Leigh and I went to the new Chinese grocery store that opened up down the street from Sarah's apartment in the LES. You know you're in for a unique grocery shopping experience when the place has a giant plastic bin of assorted LIVE frogs right when you walk in the door. And the best part was that the frogs were only the opening act! It kept getting weirder the deeper into the store we went! So after the frog bin came the...
While browsing at Tower Records one afternoon, I came across the new Tsar record...that was affixed with the most depressing sticker I think I've ever seen in my life.
Ugh. Contains that song that you heard in the FUCKING NESTLE CRUNCH COMMERCIAL....THIS IS REAL ROCK N' ROLL! Imagine that poor band having to try to keep a pretend-smile on their face as their label's "marketing guy" explained this to them. Ooooof.
On Friday afternoon I hopped on the Eastside uptown bus near the United Nations to visit a certain someone at their new job at Playgirl Magazine. Can you guess who it was by looking at their desk? Let's see....Golden Girls DVD Box Set, Silly Hat and "Red Boy" Brand ginormous DILDO! Hmmm....If you guessed...
...Grant Stoddard, you are correct, sir! Back in May Grant briefly worked (as a Staff Writer? Editor?) at Playgirl Magazine. A few weeks after starting, his book sold and he promptly left.
...this handmade dress someone gave to Sarah! It was made by a designer (who's apparently a big INXS fan) who wanted to start a line of clothing called Elegantly Wasted. Hence, a silky, mauve dress for Sarah with the words "Elegantly Wasted" ironed on the front. The best detail of the dress?
Nope! Hahaha. Siege, who doesn't even like being touched, endured an hour long, rigorous massage in the hopes that he'd get to finally learn about the "ancient Chinese secret," and got gypped!
Before any of the assfucking could get underway, some crazy girl (who was spotted smoking crack earlier in the night) started causing all sorts of problems and tried to get into a fistfight with a fat, gay dude. Jake tried to get her to calm down and she FREAKED THE FUCK OUT ON HIM. Literally, she went out of her mind. After three or four scary minutes, Jake finally managed to get her and her friends to leave the party. But as he was closing the door on them downstairs, she snatched his glasses off his face and ran out into the street. Jake followed her and when he tried to grab his glasses back from her, she bit his hand, grabbed the glasses back, broke them in half, threw them into the street and then ran away laughing.
And, um, a pipe of a rasta man with a cock to rival my forearm. Charming! With so many great gifts to choose from I bet you're wondering what she ended up getting me.
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