i keep a diary

a thing in 147 photos in 2003

strangers

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strangers
And informed her that as a BirthdayBoy it was my undeniable right to get a kiss. First off, I can't believe this worked. Secondly, she didn't even ask to see any proof! (It's been my birthday almost every night since. Awwww, yeah).
my 27th birthday party
August 08, 2003
strangers
After I spotted this cute girl across the room, I staked out the area near the bathrooms...sure enough, she eventually had to pee and when she came out of the bathroom - I made my move...
my 27th birthday party
August 08, 2003
strangers
So there was this cute teenager working the counter and she took a liking to Fatty, so he asked her if she'd take him on a tour of the place and show him how the donuts here made.
boys weekend in newport part one: the drive up
August 01, 2003
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This is hands down my favorite pic of the night. Bert N' Tha Boyz.
boys weekend in newport part three: saturday night
August 01, 2003
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After a little while, we tired of simply making silly faces with the girls and decided to up the ante...
boys weekend in newport part three: saturday night
August 01, 2003
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See?
boys weekend in newport part three: saturday night
August 01, 2003
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So we chatted them up for a while, found out that they were down on vacation from Braintree, Mass (and Fatty made some more "Fatty" faces).
boys weekend in newport part three: saturday night
August 01, 2003
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A few minutes later, we convinced them to take more pics ("Taking pics is fun, right?") and Grant got in on the action.

Okay, I think it's safe to say that we were all pretty liquored up. At some point during the next few hours, every guy on the trip managed to get their luggage out...which leads us to the very first ikeepadairy.com contest!
boys weekend in newport part three: saturday night
August 01, 2003
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She was like "Why are you all laughing?" and started to walk away. I managed to convice her that we were just happy to meet such cute girls and Seth got his act together in time to snap this pic.
boys weekend in newport part three: saturday night
August 01, 2003
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After months of getting people to willingly pose with my balls, it was time to try something new: getting unsuspecting people to unknowingly pose with my balls. I discreetly whipped out my bag, and grabbed one of our new friends for a picture. I handed off the cam to Seth who totally shit the bed by not managing to get my balls in the pic. Doh! The rest of the guys in the pic (Check out Grant and Franks' faces) were laughing so hard that the girl in the black shirt was totally confused...
boys weekend in newport part three: saturday night
August 01, 2003
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...so we headed to some other outdoor bar nextdoor and hit paydirt! Ladies and gentleman, I present to you, the four cutest girls in Newport! Check out Fatty leaning in with the "Fatty laugh" in the background.
boys weekend in newport part three: saturday night
August 01, 2003
strangers
During our delicious continental breakfast at the hotel in the morning, we saw this 80 year old woman who had on a big, ol' chain-link necklace. When overheard her (indiscernable from a distance) foreign accent, we started wondering if maybe she was one of the Sex Pistols' Nana. So we enlisted Frank to go up and get her pic, just in case. Once again we employed our fool-proof "you look just like my Great Aunt So-and-So, can I please take your picture?" Works like a charm.
boys weekend in newport part two: friday night and the beach
August 01, 2003
strangers
One Glaswegian + One ManSkirt + Plus 14 Scotches = A Royal AssKicking Just Waiting to Happen. So when this Scotsmans rolled up on our sorry group and wanted to hang, we knew it was time to head back to the hotel.
boys weekend in newport part two: friday night and the beach
August 01, 2003
strangers
This guy was one of the only people there that fit-in with the rest of the crowd less than we did. I mean, c'mon, homeboy was wearing a leather vest! I went up to him and told him that he bore an uncanny resemblance to my brother-in-law (you know, the guy that married my non-existent sister) and asked if I could take his pic (when all I really wanted was a pic of his leather vest). Anyway, he turned out to be the nicest guy in the world and we ended up hanging out with him the rest of the night (and I got the pic of his leather vest, taboot).
boys weekend in newport part two: friday night and the beach
August 01, 2003
strangers
Check out this cougar that was circling Colin and me; clearly trolling for a lil' spitroast action.
boys weekend in newport part two: friday night and the beach
August 01, 2003
strangers
Earlier in the evening, we had spotted the guy in the middle, sporting a blonde molester-moustache and a BFLB (Bald Front, Long Back: pronounced beffle-bee), and we wanted to take his pic too. Turns out he was best friends (wouldn't you know it) with the leather vest guy and he soon joined are tight-knit group of outcasts.
boys weekend in newport part two: friday night and the beach
August 01, 2003
strangers
Our boring old subway ride back to Manhattan took a serious turn towards fun when we spotted this guy across from us with a toe ring and took turns with the camera seeing who could get the best picture of it with out him catching on. Grant won with this Toetastic pic!Saturday, August 30th
the august roundup
August, 2003
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This girl was fucking hilarious. While I was manning the grill, these two kids came over, pulled out tofu dogs, put them on the grill and asked if I'd make sure no one else ate them because they were hungry and there weren't any other vegetarian items they could eat. No sooner had they walked away when this girl (who heard the whole conversation) stepped in and ganked their dogs. I promised I wouldn't rat her out on the condition that she'd let me take a pic of her in the act of food theivery. Mmmm...tastes like free.
the fourth of july
July 04, 2003
strangers
...a bunch of hipster-tools, oh sorry, I mean street artists, tag some girl's dress. Yes, seriously. They tagged her fucking dress. And no, this wasn't some performance art-nonsense; this girl, after several minutes of watching these guys she didn't know write on the walls, went over to them and asked them to write and spray paint on her.
the july roundup
July, 2003
strangers
Okay, I just spent ten minutes trying to think of a funny caption for this photo but have come to the conclusion that nothing is funnier than just pointing out her expression. Just look how proud of herself she is. You can almost see her daydreaming about the non-existent day in the future when one of these clowns becomes the next Basquiat and she'll have the dress all hanging in a glass case on her wall telling her friends at a cocktail party, "Well, the moment I saw him writing those squiggles on the wall, I just knew I had to have him paint me. I needed to be his canvas."

If anyone living on a farm in Iowa is reads this, and you've got some extra room in your barn or something, email me because I need to get the fuck out of this city.
the july roundup
July, 2003
strangers
On the way out, a friend of mine who reads this site recognized the fashion-mullet man from back in April. I'm happy to report, he's since cut it off.
the july roundup
July, 2003
strangers
And here's the sneaky, hold-the-camera-at-my-side stealth-pic I took of "The Most Sunburned Man Ever." Look at the color of his face. Holy shit. (And is it me or is does he look like a pink, bizarro Steve Buscemi?)
saturday park dinner at suba and karaoke
June 28, 2003
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There he is! At it again pressing his cock into yet another leg (somehow I don't think this guy minded as much).
the hole and p diddy
June 25, 2003
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What sums up how the world feels about boner-guy better than my man's face in the yellow shirt? Exactly. (By the way, check out his fucking shiny, tinfoil-looking shirt. A-hole.)
the hole and p diddy
June 25, 2003
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Back at the Hole: See that guy on right? Right after I snapped this pic, Sarah screamed, jumped away from him, ran over to me and said, "Dude, that guy totally had a giant boner and he pressed it into my leg! Eeeeewwww!" A few weeks later, I sent her a link to these pics over IM and asked her if she remembered him

battjer: did you see the pics of the guy with the boner at the end?
battjer: remember him?
Ultragrrrl: oh god. do i ever.
Ultragrrrl: his cock will haunt me forever.
the hole and p diddy
June 25, 2003
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Hey buddy, what is that? A roll of dimes in your pocket or....awwww, man! Gross.
the hole and p diddy
June 25, 2003
strangers
Besides seeing the Eiffel Tower, the only other thing Tara wanted to do in Vegas was go to the Rainforest Cafe (don't ask me, I'm still trying to figure out why as well). So check it out, we sit down at our table and then I notice there's this lady at the table behind Tara who's wearing a shirt that looks like it has a gold lamé bib built into it. When I pointed her out to Tara (who's from Texas), Tara shrugged and explained to me "Oh, that's just her eatin' shirt."

Later on, when the lady was finished with her meal (all four plates of it) she took off the bib, folded it up (see the fold-marks in it?) pulled out a matching, gold lamé, bib carrying-case, and put her folded-up gold lamé bib into her matching gold lamé bib carrying case, and put it back into her purse. I was shocked into silence. I had been kidding about it being a bib, I just thought it was part of her shirt. Who carries a bib (nevermind a gold lamé bib) around with them? Who? Fucking Vegas. Jesus.
bidness in vegas
June 15, 2003
strangers
After parting ways with the lovely Hope and company, Amy and I popped into Bleecker bar to say hi to her friend that was bartending. There was some big "work party" thing going on and we busied ourselves trying to guess what they all did for a living.
random rhs reunion
June 12, 2003
strangers
So check it out, for a long time I've been planning on starting a new site: MyBallsAndYourFace.com. So in preperation, I've been trying to get, you guessed it, as many as people (preferably cute girls) to pose with my balls. When I get enough, I'll start the site. In the meantime, I'll post a few of the more choice cuts (like this one of some random cute girl getting "double-bagged") throughout the site. Joy!
the june roundup
June, 2003
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See that lady in the background? She wanted more coffee - but instead of calling the waitress over, she held up her coffee cup in the air with her arm fully extended for like an entire minute. I fumbled to get the camera out, but by the time I managed to turn the flash off and snap a pic, the waitress had arrived to take care of her.
memorial day out in nj
May 26, 2003
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Me and the other guy scheduled to take the test that day.
motorcycle lessons
May 22, 2003
strangers
The party was during Fleet Week and these two sailors wandered in off the street and asked if they could stay and hang out. We were happy to oblige. (By the way, how great is the light up flag in the background?).
emma's 30th birthday: part one
May 21, 2003
strangers
Virginia (on the right) with two people I don't know.
emma's 30th birthday: part one
May 21, 2003
strangers
...complete with shirtless-man action! (Now that's a par-tay!)
sid & buddy karaoke
May 19, 2003
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Duet with a stranger.
sid & buddy karaoke
May 19, 2003
strangers
Usually as the night gets going, impromptu dance parties break out...
sid & buddy karaoke
May 19, 2003
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After Doogie and Keanu, I thought that there'd be no where to go but down. But then I managed to snap this pic of The Sweatiest Armpit Guy Ever. Suh-weet!
the matrix reloaded movie party
May 13, 2003
strangers
Ok, it's storytime. In the midst of all my stoopid yelling about how I was OWNING with all my Triple Buck Bonus Action (which, for the record, I totally was doing), I looked over towards the door and noticed this really hot blonde girl watching us acting all interested. Well, ok - at first we assumed her "interest" was just her laughing at us for being the video game-playing losers that we are, but then a few minutes later, she walked over to us, then in a *swoon* Eastern-European accent introduced herself as Larissa and asked if "we minded her joining in."

Right before I handed her the gun, she flashed a million dollar smile and warned us all that she once held the high score in "Time Crisis." (which is another shooting game). (Tall, hot, foreign and kick-ass at video games?)

Fast forward forty agonizing minutes, and like twenty-something rounds later and Larissa's still not yet managed to shoot ONE GODDAMNED BUCK. Seriously not one. Not even by accident!

She was getting really angry and told us "I'll be right back." and she um, never came back. Which was actually a relief because at that point I was running out of clever, encouraging things to say after each time she failed to grasp the (seemingly basic) concept of "shooting a video game rifle."

After all that, you might think that when she tried to sneak out past us twenty minutes later that I'd ignore her...well that's where you'd be wrong, sir. I followed her out and asked her for her number and was promptly told that she "had a boyfriend." I thought I was getting the royal brush-off, but two days later, Grant saw her in Union Square with her boyfriend.

Me: "Really? What was he like?"
Grant: "Some old rich dude."
Me: "Really? Fack! How rich?"
Grant: "Real rich."
Me: "How old?"
Grant: "Real old. I'll bet you anything he's got 'salt and pepper' pubes."

Where are all the smoking, hot Eastern European girls who are really good at video games, huh? Email me.

(Post Script - Apparently Grant saw Larissa in Williamsburg the other day and she was with some young, good looking guy. So at this point it's unconfirmed whether or not "SaltNPeppa" was, in fact, her boyfriend.)
the may roundup
May, 2003
strangers
Everyone there knows me (and my stupid jacket).
where i live
April 23, 2003
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Even our new Chinese friend wasn't fooled by their clever subterfuge.
lorelei's 31st birthday
April 08, 2003
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Making new friends through the universal language of music.
lorelei's 31st birthday
April 08, 2003
strangers
Happy Birthday, Lo!
lorelei's 31st birthday
April 08, 2003
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Me with our new friend (who was gracious enough not to get all "kung fu" on Grant for pretending to sing in Chinese).
lorelei's 31st birthday
April 08, 2003
strangers
Grant was getting antsy singing in English, so we made friends with a Chinatown local who brought Grant up on stage to sing a Mandarin tune called "Crystal." Check out the guy's expression as we listens to Grant pretend to sing in Chinese.
lorelei's 31st birthday
April 08, 2003
strangers
So after we leave, who do we see sitting on the sidewalk just a few feet from the broken door slumped against the building next to a pile of his own vomit? (Suddenly his little, matching denin Osh-Gosh-esque outfit seemed apropo). That's right, it's the evil door kicker! Regardless of the rough shape he was in, he was still a good enough sport to wipe the puke from his chin and coldlamp for this supremely awesome pic.
grant gets gay
March 27, 2003
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The nicest thing about the evening was that my dad was there. (I love those earrings on him).
lucky cheng's karaoke
March 26, 2003
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...totally amazing Cosby sweater he was wearing ("A Cosby SWEAT-AHHH!"). Ok, now that that joke's over with, I implore you to scroll back up and look at my face in the pic above. My chin has completely disappeared. If I had a time machine, I would travel back and use the above face to claim First Prize in the Matt Weiner Face Contest.
random february pics
February, 2003