strangers

December 22, 2003

Sarah and Rob took it upon themselves to...

December 22, 2003

Hahahaha.

December 22, 2003

Colin showing some nip!

December 22, 2003

...actually lay in her lap while frenching. (I love how Rob's laughing and it's causing Sarah to accidentally lick his face).

December 22, 2003

Amber's friend and Marco.

December 22, 2003

passed out ↗+

Candy. With Hulk fist and furry hat.

December 22, 2003

Hahahah. Andy goes in for a handfull (disclaimer: He's not really touching it! I swear!)

December 22, 2003

Hahaha. Mike B!

December 22, 2003

Jamie again. This time with Hulk fist

December 22, 2003

...totally passed the fuck out. Sarah went over to seranade her and when she didn't wake up for that, we knew there was trouble to be had.

December 22, 2003

Amber gave her a "Bronsky" (boobies in the face).

December 22, 2003

And then came back to show a little hip.

December 22, 2003

Here's Leila, Sid and Buddy (who's actually laying his head on her passed-out little lap.)

December 22, 2003

While Sarah, always the kind one, offered her a sip of beer.

December 22, 2003

Me. Hahahah.

December 22, 2003

I'm not sure who this guy is or whether or not the drunk girl was a friend of his. He was sitting next to her the whole night and he loved that everyone was posing with her.

December 22, 2003

Jamie squeezin' some titty.

trip to cali part 5: back to la

December 22, 2003

On Saturday, Grant had to go to VH1 and do voice-over work for his TV show, so Fatty and I decided to wander down Melrose. Check out what we saw in Starbucks: it's a shirtless guy, wearing overalls, a stoooopid Paddington bear hat, sunglasses INDOORS and holding a walking stick while he's SITTING DOWN AND PLAYING CHESS! Oh my god, I call this photo "EVERY SINGLE REASON I DON'T LIVE IN LOS ANGELES."

December 19, 2003

los angeles ↗+

Right when we'd gotten to the bar, there were a few girls that came over to us because they could tell that we "weren't from around there." We chatted them up for awhile until we noticed that it was causing all of the guys in the room to give us the stinkeye. As the night pressed on and some of those guys started getting drunker and giving us the stink eye again, we decided it would probably be best to quit while we were ahead and call it a night. We snuck out right in the middle of a slow jam. Farewell, Coarse Gold!

December 18, 2003

Just when I was about to tell him he was crazy, I looked over at her and saw the resemblance myself (check it out. crazy, right?). I was like "Whoa! You're right, she IS hot!" (Which is also when I realized it would probably be best if Grant drove home).

December 18, 2003

...and refugee groupies from the 80s! Awwww, yeah! (This lady was awesome - she was totally all over Fatty. Fatty was laughing, but at the same time he was all nervous because she was there with a bunch of scary looking dudes. Check out how Fatty's all got his arms up in the air like "I'm not touching her, see? She is the one touching me!")

December 18, 2003

But we went up to them afterwards and were talking to them and they turned out to be the nicest people in the world. (And although you can't really tell from this pic, this lady was actually pretty hot. Fatty kept nudging me and nodding over at her being like "Dude, she's so hot....and TRAAAAASHY." Yep, Fatty loves him some trashy women.)

December 18, 2003

best ↗+
hat ↗+

For some reason this is the only pic I have of Grant singing...see him there in the background? Look carefully, I know it's hard to see him behind the group of people who actually got up out of their seats and started doing a FUCKING KICKLINE to the end of his incredible rendition of Frank's "New York, New York." (People from California got up and kicklined to "New York, New York" sung by a Brit. Think about that.)

December 18, 2003

...and in no time the scary, back-country logger/cowboy sex advice was flowing like tobacco spit.

December 18, 2003

Sah-sah-scary!

December 18, 2003

But eventually we won them over with our cityboy charms

December 18, 2003

The cowboys! (Actually, these guys were loggers and Grant got off to an immediately bad start when he mistakenly assumed they were cowboys).

trip to cali part two: la to san francisco

December 18, 2003

cowboy ↗+

Here's Grant enrapturing the crowd with the tale of how he stole his trucker hat from an irate cowboy.

December 13, 2003

Oh my god, how in the world could I have forgotten to mention this in my last post? So remember how I went to the LA Weekly party with Laura right when I'd gotten into town? Well right when I got there, Laura introduced me to one of her friends, and he was like "I know this guy, I read his website!" Tavis, Laura's boyfriend was in disbelief. He was like "People you don't know read your website?" As soon as he said it, almost on cue, a girl walking by sees me, stops, grabs my arm and screams "OH MY GOD, YOU KEEP A DIARY!" and then laughs and walks away.

Later that night when I got home, she had emailed me. She introduced herself as Ellen Griley (Hi Ellen!) and was at the party because she works for the OC Weekly paper (also owned by Village Voice Media). She invited us to come down and check out the LBC "so we could flash all of our favorite gang signs and really mean it" and attend her friend's annual THONGSGIVING party. Thongsgiving? Clearly this was a group that Grant and I could roll wit. Here's Grant and I with Ellen. Woooo!

trip to cali part two: la to san francisco

December 13, 2003

me ↗+

Here's Ellen's friend Ryan, the host of the Thongsgiving bash.

trip to cali part two: la to san francisco

December 13, 2003

me ↗+

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Speaking of funny guys, check out the dude we met on the street as we left the place. His name was Brian as well. He wears his sunglasses at night.

trip to cali part 1: nyc to la

December 10, 2003

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I heart her. (Mad props to Laura's friend for snapping this pic).

trip to cali part 1: nyc to la

December 10, 2003

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This girl was fucking awesome. She was this tiny little five-footer wearing a sateen prom dress and was all by herself on the dancefloor completely freaking her own shit. As she was dancing she deliberately raked the crowd of onlookers with her eyes totally daring someone to go out there on the dancefloor and get drrrrrrrrty with her. Quote of the night goes to Laura's friend x, who out leant over to me when we were watching her and goes "That girl's sooooo looking to get fucked by a stranger tonight." Hahahahaha.

trip to cali part 1: nyc to la

December 10, 2003

...and then stayed on stage to provide some much-needed back-up dancer augmentation to this guy's weak-ass jam.

back to back sid & buddy karaoke

November 19, 2003

The best part was that Liz had like seven inches on him. (Bonus points for his American flag tie, bless his lil' heart.)

back to back sid & buddy karaoke

November 19, 2003

Check out the bouncer guy in the background, when he saw me getting ready to take a picture of Tookie he quickly jammed his hands in his pocket, leaned back against the wall and pulled one of the best, smoldering "sexy" faces I've ever seen. (Bonus points awarded for that butt-chin).

grant's surprise party

November 07, 2003

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And then came the PIÈCE DE RÉSISTANCE, the asian man in a blonde wig. So choice.

November, 2003

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Then Candy and Gina got in on the act.

November, 2003

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Then his pants. Somewhere along the lines a sailor hat, a life saver and an egg beater (yep, see it stuck down the front of his pants there?) entered the mix.

November, 2003

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Hahaha.

November, 2003

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More scandalous make out.

european vacation part 20: halloween in bas vegas, baby!

November, 2003

makeout ↗+

As people started passing out all around us, we decided it was probalby best to pack it up and call it a night. We'd made it through the night without anyone even trying to pick a fight and figured it'd be best to quit while we were ahead.

October 31, 2003

Here's a better pic of him. He was dating this girl who had these weird saggy titties and no bra and the entire time they were making out on the dance floor he kept taking her titties and TWISTING the fuck out of them.

european vacation part 20: halloween in bas vegas, baby!

October 31, 2003

This guy that's getting pointed to was awesome.

european vacation part 20: halloween in bas vegas, baby!

October 31, 2003

Grant was all excited because he thought this woman was dressed up as something for Halloween but then a few days later he saw the picture and realized that she was just dressed up as herself.

european vacation part 20: halloween in bas vegas, baby!

October 31, 2003

This pub is crazy old. There was a plaque on wall over by these dudes (that were dressed like they'd just gotten back from a goddamned foxhunt) that told about how it was the meeting point for the Peasant's Revolution in 1381.

european vacation part 19: a day in essex

October 31, 2003

bar ↗+
essex ↗+

My goal for the night was to try to get this girl in the white to dance with me. (And then, after we were done dancing, to marry me). She was being carefully watched over by the guy you see on the left so I dispatched Chris to head over and use a little of his fluent Greek magick to try to see if he'd introduce me to her.

October 27, 2003

photoshop ↗+

We chatted Michael up for a few minutes and after we'd established a rapport, I asked him if I had any shot with his cute friend and he replied (please make sure you read the next sentence in your best Balki from "Perfect Strangers" voice) "Don' be ree-deek-you-los!"

October 27, 2003

Here you can see Michael hi-fiving his friends ("And then I told them to fuck off before I kicked their American asses!") while my dreamgirl chats with her friend about how she wishes her friend would stop coming between her and her future husband.

October 27, 2003

Don't worry, my love. *whisper* I'll wait for you! *whisper*

October 27, 2003

Check out this rockstar I found passed out in the bathroom. Bwa-ahahaha!

October 27, 2003

This dude was hanging out for a long time waiting for Tymber to say goodbye so he could walk her home. Check out Grant in the corner trying his hardest to not let on that he's trying his hardest to listen in on what they're saying.

european vacation part 13: steak dinner.

October 27, 2003

And then a group shot. HA HA HA HA. Notice in the background you can see the chick's equally-attractive German boyfriend totally catching on to what we were up too. Das gig ist up, ja?

October 27, 2003

We walked around town for awhile and eventually managed to find the steak joint. After we'd been seated, we noticed a heartbreakingly attractive German woman sitting at a nearby table and all of a sudden Grant wants to take a picture of Chris reading a menu.

european vacation part 13: steak dinner.

October 27, 2003

chris a ↗+

Now this picture really does not do any justice to this girls sick ol' onion. The Grizza doesn't make that face for just any hot girls bee-hind. (Oh wait, yes he does.) Although, I regret to inform that points are taken away for wearing white pants after Labor Day.

european vacation part 12: knossos ruins.

October 27, 2003

grant ↗+

...that she was only fourteen years old! Doh! Turns out her family owned the club and twice a week she worked the door to earn some extra money (ummm, her allowance, I guess). It was a little past 2am and we were all knackered from our long day of scootering (and too much wine at dinner) so we decided to pack it in early and head back to the resort. We arrived at our car to find Grant sprawled out across the backseat asleep...and decided to do what any friends in our situation would do: scare the living shit out of him. We all got on one side of the car and at the count of three started rocked the (tiny) car back and forth as hard as we could while screaming. Grant leapt awake (screaming along with us) and nearly soiled himself. I tried to take a pic of it, but the flash bounced off the car's glass and it didn't come out. Sorry.

european vacation part 9: dinner with kostas vallassos.

October 25, 2003

me ↗+
crete ↗+

We wandered the streets for almost an hour trying to decide on where we wanted to eat (ok, trying to find the place that had the most hot girls dining there). The problem was, there was so many restaurants (and so many hot girls) that we couldn't make up our minds. Finally, as we neared the point of collapse from hunger, we were courted by this dude, Kostas Vallasso, and he was so friendly and funny that we decided to eat as his place.

european vacation part 9: dinner with kostas vallassos.

October 25, 2003

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The first thing we did on the beach was make sure we staked out a location near the topless Scandinavian girls that was close enough to see their boobies clearly but not so close that Grant's staring would get us in trouble.

european vacation part 8: scooter madness!

October 25, 2003

beach ↗+

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Here's the side by side comparison: The real Ross Martin's on the left and the Ogrified Ross Martin is on the right. If you squint a little, you almost can't tell who's who! Hahahah.

european vacation part 6: sightseeing with the stoddards .

October 23, 2003

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...a huge Cretan man that looked like a bizarro "Ogre Version" of our good friend Ross Martin. Not willing to let him escape undocumented, we dispatched Chris (who speaks fluent Greek) to tell the giant Ross-Ogre (R'ogre, if you will) that he looked just like a friend of ours and would he mind posing for a picture. There was an uncomfortably long pause as he pondered our request (which I spent fearing he was about to crush all of our heads like grapes) but instead he gave a polite nod and posed for this fantastic pic.

european vacation part 6: sightseeing with the stoddards .

October 23, 2003

Why yes, there is: The Fatty with a group of German ACDC fans. These guys were fucking hardcore. They got wind of the surprise show in Munich that morning and flew over on a whim.

european vacation part 4: london & ac/dc

October 21, 2003

Hans, me and Fatty. Hahahaha. Soooooo good.

european vacation part 4: london & ac/dc

October 21, 2003

Seriously, is there anything better than a photo of German ACDC fans?

european vacation part 4: london & ac/dc

October 21, 2003

acdc ↗+
best ↗+

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He'd moved back to Iceland a few years ago and was managing a bakery there. He'd just gotten off work - so he grabbed a bag full of day-old bread, and brought his son to the pond to feed the birds while waiting for his wife (who was originally from Russia) to get out of her class at the nearby University.

October 21, 2003

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A few minutes later, we watched this guy show up with a little kid and a huge garbage bag full of rolls and bread.

October 21, 2003

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Then Smari took us to the Hallgrimskirkja church, the tallest building in the city.

October 21, 2003

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It was right around this time that I decided it was time to pull out the video camera and start capturing some of this. I mean, Christ, I'd already failed to capture the lobotomy guy and Smari dropping the C-bomb about his sister - I wasn't about to miss out on any more. I asked him if he minded me filming him talking and he said he didn't. As soon as I started taping, he launched into all these stories about Iceland's crazy nightlife and told us that we needed to come back over the summer and spend a few days. "Don't worry about a hotel." He told us, "You won't be needing one." Hahaha. (Footage coming soon).

October 21, 2003

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As stood nearby discussing what our best plan of attack in exploring the city, , he overheard us talking and asked where we were from. "Oh shit," we thought. "Here we go again." But when we told him we were from NYC, he told us that he'd lived in NYC for a bunch of years as well. He introduced himself as Smari and told us that he'd lived in the States for 15 years and that besides NYC, he'd also worked as a bakery manager in New Hampshire and San Francisco.

October 21, 2003

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Miraculously, he managed to avoid getting a ticket (but he did accidentally lock himself out of the car...Doh!). We thanked him for the tour (it's still one of the nicest things a stranger has ever done for me - so Smari, if you read this, thanks again!) and then told him that we were thinking about checking out the Blue Lagoon on the way back to catch our flight but that the lady at the rental car place had seemed underwhelmed when we asked her about it. Smari told us "Fuck that lady. If there's only one thing you could see in Iceland, it should be the Blue Lagoon. Don't miss it. Go there now." That settled it. We bid Smari farewell, and headed for Grindavik.

October 21, 2003

Susan claims she was just talking to him because he was wearing a shirt with an upside-down picture of himself on it and she wanted to see if he was a narcissist. A likely story. (photo by Susan).

October 16, 2003

We met these two as we were leaving. They were in town from England and when they heard that we were getting ready to take a trip there, they became our new best friends. The guy in the scarf was so drunk that we're actually holding him up in this pic.

October 16, 2003

Susan totally getting stone cold busted macking on some boy. Hahaha.

October 16, 2003

susan ↗+

Some girl we just met going further than anyone had yet gone by actually putting the tip of her tounge inside the peeny hole of the Penis Straw! Holy Moly!

tara's 21st birthday and goodbye party

October 16, 2003

penis ↗+

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On the way home, I was happy to see that my local McDonald's has re-instituted it's "Free Nap With Every Value Meal" policy. I know how it is lady, the McChicken makes me sleepy too!

the october roundup

October, 2003

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...and this guy! I wish I could remember his fucking name! ARgh! He was a total Staten Island-style guido who was pretty much the friendliest guy I've ever met. He saw us taking pictures and wanted to take a look at my camera...which of course led to us taking pictures with him.

September 30, 2003

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Check out the sauce stains on his shirt. Awesome.

tara's 21st birthday and goodbye party

September 30, 2003

me ↗+
vin ↗+

On the way over to some bar called O'Donohughe's, Crazy made friends with a homeless Puerto Rican guy and they sang us some songs together in Spanish. (Which was extra entertaining because, um, Crazy doesn't speak Spanish)

visiting sammy out in hoboken

September 27, 2003

This was the best part, I was standing really close to him with my nuts out and all of sudden he woke up. He seemed started to find me standing so close to him and and was like "What's up?" So I said to him enthusiastically, "Nothing, dude! You're rocking the fuck out, that's what! Let's take a picture together!" He jumped up and with like "Ok!" So that's how I turned an "Almost Got My Ass Kicked" situtation into the greatest "You Don't Know You're Posing With My Balls But You Are" picture of all time.

September 21, 2003

Shortly after, his girlfriend returned and somehow Jen Choi ended up on stage dirty dancing with her. (It was also right around here that my camera's batteries fucking died on me. I managed to snap a few more pics, but I kept having to turn the cam off for a few seconds, let it rest, then turn it on and try to take another pic before it died again.)

September 21, 2003

The real tragedy is that because of this I missed getting a really good action shot of Jen spanking the Bellybutton Lady with a leather S&M paddle. (I swear to God, I'm not kidding. This actually happened. If you look in the background, you can see Jen holding the paddle in her right hand - and see who the turquoise lady is all leaning against the wall - submitting herself?)

September 21, 2003

sid and buddy ↗+

Grant wasted no time moving in with his nuts.

September 21, 2003

That's right! It means it's time to play "FUCK WITH THE DRUNK GUY!" Emily kicked it off with a lil' boob showing.

September 21, 2003

So Bellybutton Jewelry Girl went to the bathroom, and while she was gone, her boyfriend passed out...we all know what that means!!!

September 21, 2003

So it was around this time that we noticed these two (aka - "The Greatest Couple in the World."). He was completely shit-hammered; to the point where his head was all bobbing around like we was on a fucking wagonride on a cobblestone street. And she (as if her matching aqua skirt-outfit wasn't enough) had the biggest belly button jewelry thing I've ever seen. I mean look at that thing - it's like the J-Lo engagement ring of bellybuttons. Anyway, she was really drunk and kept heckling people in between songs, yelling that it was her turn already....we'll get back to these guys later.

September 21, 2003

Hahahahah - then they teamed up to "rock out" with her butt.

September 21, 2003

See, here's me all like "Hi, I'm here with your butt."

September 21, 2003

me ↗+

Sid & Buddy quickly caught on. Now at this point, it pretty much stopped being about her ass and just started being about how much we could get away with behind this unsuspecting girl's back. Here's Buddy barking like a dog.

September 21, 2003

matt l ↗+

So to be honest with you, I don't really even know how this started. There was something about this girl's bum that Grant and I thought was great. So we started taking sneaky pictures of it.