While waiting for a cab outside, I saw the Moustache (note the use of a capital "M") that Grant's moustache aspires to one day be and I asked its owner if he'd mind letting his moustache pose for a picture with my friend's baby-moustache. He was happy to oblige.
Besides getting some great boob pics at the party, I also won a $20 bet. This girl was talking about the movie Goonies and turned and asked me "Hey, what was the name of the lumpy head guy?" "Sloth," I told her. "Sloth Fratelli." She was like "That's not even close." Anyway, I was positive that it was this his name. We were gonna Google it, but no computers were around. In the end, we decided that we'd walk around the party and ask other party-goers the same question. If at least five other people, unprompted by me, named the lumpy-headed character in question as "Sloth," I'd win $20. If, I couldn't find five partygoers to corraborate, I'd have to pay her $20. Needless to say, I had that shit wrapped up in about three minutes. Here's me with the girl I made the bet with. Hahah. (Just for the record, I'm so right.)
It was funny for like the first 30 seconds (but much like the girl who popped her tits out) this guy just wouldn't quit. And by quit, I mean, let the girl out from under the grate.
In what I'm sure started out as a joke, he'd gotten some girl he knew (at least I hope he knew her!) to lie down under this grate that was in the hallway. (Don't ask me! I don't know what it was doing there, either! Remember, this was in Williamsburg, so unbeknownst to us, the grate was probably a "modern sculpture" that had been donated to "improve the art consciousness of people in building.")
Sketchy Russian Girl came over to get a better view and somehow her top got pulled down in the commotion (exposing her nips!). Needless to say, Jake quickly realized that he wasn't going to be able to forcibly make Grant hook up with him and he and the Russian girl (or maybe she was Czech?) left. (They actually left to go back to Jake's place - my old place on Bowery - where she would make Jake shave off ALL of his body hair with a razor before she'd sleep with him. Oh, and while they were fucking, she wanted to be burned with cigarettes. Hahahahah).
Later that night I got a strange call from Grant urging me to hurry up and come over to his apartment to "rescue him." I got there to find Jake lounging on Grant's couch with some crazy Russian chick who was claiming to be a "ranked poker player in the world" (whatever that means). Jake had brought her over there to try to get her to have a threesome with he and Grant - but Grant was so weirded out by her, that he didn't even want in.
So while Grant was out of the room (probably calling everyone he knew to come over so he'd have an excuse to leave) Jake and this girl started playing poker. If Jake won, she'd have to do "a spitroast" with Jake and Grant. If she won, Jake promised her that he'd "make out with Grant." (Jake promised this without consulting Grant). So right when I arrived, this girl had just finished beating Jake at poker and the girl looks over at Grant and tells Jake "Well, c'mon! Do it!" Grant's like "Do what?" Jake just said "Sorry, dude," and the next thing you know...
Here's us with an elder Klingon. The two people on the left hammed in on our photo opp because they were too scared to ask the other younger Klingon for a photo. (That's how seriously intimidating he was! Other adults were too scared to ask him for a photo! Hahahahah).
...some girl who was in town from London who I met through Myspace. Let's hear it for internet strangers! Wooooo! (I went back through my MySpace mail to try to find her emails, but I think she's since deleted her account and I can't remember her name. Bah).
Holy crap, I'm almost a year behind on this diary and I have no idea who this girl is. Maybe a friend of Tara's from Houston that she put me in touch with? Tara, a little help?
When I came out of the Cassanova on Thursday night there was this dude doing handstands outside so I took I picture of him. He immediately righted himself, ran over to me and said "I'm a performing artist! If you're going to take a picture of me you have to pay me five dollars." After I finished laughing, I explained that was also a performing artist. And then I put on an elaborate mime skit where I paid him five invisible "mime dollars" for his hard work. (Needless to say, I almost got beat up).
Then the stage was cleared and The Raclones got ready to make their big entrance. But not before I managed to snap this awesome picture of Timmy Fifteen here smoking a doober on the street. Hahaha. I'm so telling your mom.
I decided to try to instigate and was like "Hey Mike, you should give your new friend a kiss!" Check him all ballsy bringing the "fuck you" finger out right in front of her face (also make sure to note how my hand is all smooshing his neck as I'm actually trying to get him to kiss her). Hahahah.
a loud, drunk asian girls in a straw party hat showed up and helped liven things up! Fuck yeah! When this girl cornered Mike D. on the stairs he was all like "Hey, this is my friend Brian! He should take some pics of us together!" Then Mike D. raised the bar from the "get a load of this guy" face and went straight for the "serruptitious fuck you fingerpiont." Classy!
We parked the car and started walking over to the party but then we had to stop and wait because Wacky Dad ran into a buddy of his. (Of course these two are friends). Wacky Dad kept telling us that TwirlyStache was some kind of "really important artist" (of comedy facial hair maybe) and suggested that I take a pic of him. I was only too happy to oblige.
...Stevie aka "THE ASS!" Holy shit, remember this guy? (If you don't, go read the story right now). Stevie was out visiting SF for only two days and had just landed when we ran into him. Small world!
...get his mack on with the super-cute girl on the left. He was chatting up a storm and things were going pretty smoothly until around 1am when he opened his backpack and handed me a beer that we'd bought for the party and had been carrying with us. He'd barely gotten off a sip when from out of nowhere one of the giant goony bouncers came up from behind, grabbed him by the neck and was like "HEY! WE DON'T SELL THAT BRAND OF BEER IN HERE....DICKHEAD!" Michael apologized and offered to throw it out, but the bouncer (still holding him by the neck) insisted he leave. Hard to get in a smooth goodbye to the ladies when you're getting tossed out by your neck (literally) by a monster.
Bingo! (Actually, though - it looked really good on him. It was this really comfortable "not trying too hard" mullet. The kind of mullet that Chet Baker would've grown had he lived long enough to get into NASCAR).
We later used said sunroof to take sneaky periscope-style photos trying to get a good shot of the mullet on one of the German tourists that pulled up in the car next to us.
Then late on Sunday night, a super-nice girl Jane (who has a friend in NYC who reads my site and told her that I was moving to SF and didn't know anyone out there....so nice!) invited me to garden party. I was wiped out from walking around all day and I had to get up for work, but I decided to swing by and at least say hi and try to meet some people. By the time I got there, things were winding down, but I did manage to see a GIRLFIGHT on the way out! Check out the double-knee shoulder pin in full-effect. (You know that means that she totally has brothers that she had to learn to defend herself against.
White man dreads, burlap shirt, flowing hemp pants and some sort of hemp-rope utility belt with all sorts of satchels (that like contain "powder or ground unicorn horn") hanging from it. To all of the people that sent me email complaining about the "dirty hippy gifts" that my friends in NYC gave me at my going away party...we rest our case.
After Leigh was done interrogating this girl's friend to make sure he really knew her and this wasn't a rohypnol date rape gone awry, we left our sleeping princess in his good hands.
...clearly the LBJ (that's the Little Baby Jesus to you) had heard our prayers and made this drunk girl pass out on the pavement right outside of the party so we could document my last evening in town with some apropo fanfare! (Thanks for looking out for us, Big Guy).
Then this random British guy (who apparently lives in the building nextdoor to me on Bowery) showed up and wanted to get in on the action all "party boy" style. Nice!
So a little later on in the night, this guy got called up to sing. He took the stage, but Matt accidentally started playing the wrong song. Instead of correcting Matt this (incredibly drunk) guy ripped off his shirt and started screaming along to the song (that he clearly didn't know at all).
Then later that night at Lit I watched this insane man rip up flyers that Leigh had placed on the table and make little prop-up figures that he then preceeded to move around the table in some elaborate fashion. We were going to ask him what he was doing, but we were scared. Very, very scared.
Neil (who, just so you know, is the current Nugget
Eating Champ of the World) leans in to check out to what degree
the guy is passed out. Verdict: Out Fucking Cold.
Ok, ok. I'm sure all of you have probably seen all these
photos already either on the Misshapes site or back when
it appeared in Vice,
but for any of you who may not have see it, here's the story:
I was texting with Dennis
Crowley's little
brother Jonathan on Saturday night
and I invited him and his buddy Neil to Misshapes. They showed
up late night and after vetoing the too-packed dance floor
upstairs, we decided to hang in the back room downstairs
where we discovered this sleeping prince.
Then we decided it was time to play everyone's favorite game: DRUNK GUY JENGA! The rules are simple, each person takes a turn placing any object within reach on the passed out person. If you wake them up, you lose!
After screaming along incoherently into an extra mic during the first half of this couple's duet, homeboy in the green shirt finally managed to wrangle away Shef's mic and hide it on him. Unfazed, Shef decided to make up for his lack of mic by just singing even louder for the remainder of their song.
On the way home, Tinny and I stopped at the totally scary, 24-hour McDonald's in Chinatown so I could get my McChicken on. There was this cute little old Chinese guy passed out in one of the booths and Tinny wanted me to take a picture of her giving him a kiss. I showed her this one and she decided she wanted a better one and motioned for me to give her the camera...
I told him I was taking pictures of people doing "cool things" for a "cool new magazine" and asked if he'd mind posing for some pictures. He was stoked. The only question he asked me was "Should I wear my headphones or leave them off?" "Let's do a few of each, mmmmkay?"
While we were sitting there reading, this dude shows up alone with a duffel bag. He sits down, unzips the bag, and proceeds to construct a two and a half foot-tall hooka...so he can smoke TOBACCO by HIMSELF. Huh? After taking a few sneaky pictures from a distance, Tinny dared me to go over and talk to him and see if I could get him to pose for some pics. It took me a while to wipe the shit-eating grin off my face, but eventually I got my act together and walked over.
Michael was there with his friend who was in from out of town. Or that was at least his "I'm not used to these late bar hours" excuse before he promptly passed the fuck out on the downstairs couch.
The guy was so drunk he couldn't even tell us his name. Sarah thought he was cute and kept suggesting that she take him back to her place. Hahahaha. Suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuure!
In the end, I ended up fishing his wallet out of his pants and looking up his name and address (if memory serves correctly, I think his name was Brice or something like that). Here's Tinny holding his phone to his ear as we took turns calling people in his phone trying to get someone who knew him to confirm his address so we could put him in a cab. (In the end, we were never able to confirm where he lived so we sat him down outside with a bottle of water and went back inside. When I came out an hour later, he was passed out and had pissed his pants and we ended up calling the cops who sent an ambulance for him. Doh!) Anybody know who this guy is?
Somewhere during the course of the afternoon, I ended up making friends with this deaf mute guy. He spent his day circling the park and barking (yes, literally barking, he's deaf mute, remember?) at girls in bikinis to get their attention and then taking their picture with a disposable camera. He communicated with us by miming and manage to tell us that he puts all of his photos of girls in bikinis in an album and that we should all come over and look at the pictures sometime because he lives right around the corner. (I swear this is true. How could I even make something like this up?) The only thing I didn't learn was his name.
Later that evening, I was standing next to the DJ booth chatting with Sarah when all of a sudden a guy standing next to me full-on passed out while standing up and went down like a bag o' bricks. The bouncer summoned me to help him carry the guy outside and somewhere in the process of trying to lift him up, his pants came down exposing...
Amber was in full-effect that night. Every time Lawrence would look away, Amber would start dancing all sexy and freaking him from behind without touching him. Do you know how hard it is to dance all fast behind someone without touching them and accidentally giving yourself away? Girl's got skills.
...NAKED MAN! Hahahaha. This old dude is always chilling there in a lil' Speedo-type thang and from certain angles (ok, most angles) it looks like he's buck naked.
After our jams, we were shooting the shit about his company and the prospect of me moving out to San Francisco when this lady (who weighed like 83lbs and was totally spun out of her mind on meth) came over to us and just kept talking and talking and talking and talking. The only time she even stopped to take a breath was when she smiled for this photo. After ten minutes of politely enduring her word-torrent and hinting that we were ready to be left alone, we finally gave up and literally walked away in the middle of her (still!) talking. Thumbs up for meth!
Hey look it's Giorgio and Gianguido! The two guys visiting from Italy that Fatty and I met playing frisbee in the park! We invited them to the prom and they came! (The even got dressed up!) It's nice! I like!
Speaking of strangers, this dude (who I think was from somewhere in the UK) came over and tried to get on the girls by showing off his tongue. Impressive, but it got him precisely...nowhere.
Clodagh and Meghan! These girls live up in Boston and came to NYC to celebrate Clodagh moving back to Ireland. They emailed me and told me they were going to be in town, and I met up with them for drinks at Lit. I love meeting strangers!
Hey, it's Jim! This (fugging) guy and a few of his friends were in town from all over the place (Toronto, Boston and London if I remember correctly). He read about the show on my site and they all decided to swing by and check the band out! So rad!
Grant flirting with my future wife, Natalie (psst...Natalie, I want to make babies with you. If you're not interested in that maybe we could just practice making them. Email if you ever see this.) Bonus points to Jim for continuing to make the "get of load of this fugging guy" face. Hahaha.
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