Michael was there with his friend who was in from out of town. Or that was at least his "I'm not used to these late bar hours" excuse before he promptly passed the fuck out on the downstairs couch.
The guy was so drunk he couldn't even tell us his name. Sarah thought he was cute and kept suggesting that she take him back to her place. Hahahaha. Suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuure!
In the end, I ended up fishing his wallet out of his pants and looking up his name and address (if memory serves correctly, I think his name was Brice or something like that). Here's Tinny holding his phone to his ear as we took turns calling people in his phone trying to get someone who knew him to confirm his address so we could put him in a cab. (In the end, we were never able to confirm where he lived so we sat him down outside with a bottle of water and went back inside. When I came out an hour later, he was passed out and had pissed his pants and we ended up calling the cops who sent an ambulance for him. Doh!) Anybody know who this guy is?
Somewhere during the course of the afternoon, I ended up making friends with this deaf mute guy. He spent his day circling the park and barking (yes, literally barking, he's deaf mute, remember?) at girls in bikinis to get their attention and then taking their picture with a disposable camera. He communicated with us by miming and manage to tell us that he puts all of his photos of girls in bikinis in an album and that we should all come over and look at the pictures sometime because he lives right around the corner. (I swear this is true. How could I even make something like this up?) The only thing I didn't learn was his name.
Later that evening, I was standing next to the DJ booth chatting with Sarah when all of a sudden a guy standing next to me full-on passed out while standing up and went down like a bag o' bricks. The bouncer summoned me to help him carry the guy outside and somewhere in the process of trying to lift him up, his pants came down exposing...
Amber was in full-effect that night. Every time Lawrence would look away, Amber would start dancing all sexy and freaking him from behind without touching him. Do you know how hard it is to dance all fast behind someone without touching them and accidentally giving yourself away? Girl's got skills.
...NAKED MAN! Hahahaha. This old dude is always chilling there in a lil' Speedo-type thang and from certain angles (ok, most angles) it looks like he's buck naked.
After our jams, we were shooting the shit about his company and the prospect of me moving out to San Francisco when this lady (who weighed like 83lbs and was totally spun out of her mind on meth) came over to us and just kept talking and talking and talking and talking. The only time she even stopped to take a breath was when she smiled for this photo. After ten minutes of politely enduring her word-torrent and hinting that we were ready to be left alone, we finally gave up and literally walked away in the middle of her (still!) talking. Thumbs up for meth!
Hey look it's Giorgio and Gianguido! The two guys visiting from Italy that Fatty and I met playing frisbee in the park! We invited them to the prom and they came! (The even got dressed up!) It's nice! I like!
Speaking of strangers, this dude (who I think was from somewhere in the UK) came over and tried to get on the girls by showing off his tongue. Impressive, but it got him precisely...nowhere.
Clodagh and Meghan! These girls live up in Boston and came to NYC to celebrate Clodagh moving back to Ireland. They emailed me and told me they were going to be in town, and I met up with them for drinks at Lit. I love meeting strangers!
Hey, it's Jim! This (fugging) guy and a few of his friends were in town from all over the place (Toronto, Boston and London if I remember correctly). He read about the show on my site and they all decided to swing by and check the band out! So rad!
Grant flirting with my future wife, Natalie (psst...Natalie, I want to make babies with you. If you're not interested in that maybe we could just practice making them. Email if you ever see this.) Bonus points to Jim for continuing to make the "get of load of this fugging guy" face. Hahaha.
Remember how Fatty and I played frisbee in the park on Sunday? Well, we ended up befriending two Italians that were visiting from Milan. They'd been in town for a few weeks, but were staying in Astoria and told us that they'd been disappointed with the NYC nightlife they'd seen. I gave them my cell number and assured them I'd take them out and show them a good time. So on Monday night we met up and I took them on the rounds. We started off with a few drinks at the Fish.
There was this dude there who had slathered himself in that awful bronzer skin dye that makes you look tan. He kept going up to Sid and Buddy every five minutes and saying stuff like "Yo dudes, am I going to be up anytime soon? I'm going to be a famous singer someday and it might be in your best interest to treat me right." He tried that nonsense for 90 minutes and finally growing discouraged, bribed them with $40 and was instantly put on stage. Hahaha. He started singing some awful Justin Timberlake song while gyrating and air-humping. This prompted Carol to bum-rush the stage and sexily unbutton his shirt while he sang. He thought she was into him, but everytime he looked away from her, she'd pull faces like this...
That little puddle you see isn't puke, it's actually just saliva (ok, maybe a little puke). This kid was putting his whole frigging hand down his throat and nothing was coming up. If he ever decides to give up his career as a binge drinker, there's clearly a place for him in gay porn.
When I went outside to look for Vin, I ran into these two guys (I forget their names, but I have an email from him somewhere that I can dig up and I'll put them in there when I find it). The guy on the right was really drunk and said that he needed to throw up, but couldn't. I suggested he try putting his fingers down his throat and "pull his trigger." He was like "Ok, I'll try it. Get your camera ready." (Like I needed to be told, right?)
With Grant still away (he was in the UK and then Spain for a few weeks chilling with his family), Fatty had some serious comedy slack to pick up. Luckily, he was up for the challenge, hunchedly chasing this snooty fur shawl-wearing lady down Park Ave while making a silly "I'm tip-toeing" face on our way back from playing Frisbee in the Sheep's Meadow in Central Park. Comedy gold, I tell ya. Later that night, a whole bunch of us met up in the East Village to celebrate...
So we were dancing at Misshapes and all of sudden I see this girl on the dancefloor that I recognize, but can't place. And then it hits me, she was the crazy drunk girl that Vin was chatting up some random night over two years ago at Pioneer Bar. She graciously posed for a reunion photo. Aw.
After leering around NYU for a while, we decided to head over to the dog park in Washington Sqaure Park. We sat around playing with OPP (other peoples' pets). Then this guy showed up. What started out as a normal "petting session" almost escalated into a totally different kind of "petting session." The guy mounted his dog in reverse and spent a god-honest five whole minutes seductively stroking the animal's hindquarters. It was so creepy. Everyone in the park stopped talking and just watched him.
Once he was sure he had the park's attention (and after he'd ejaculated in his shorts) he went on to give his dog a drink of water by pouring the water into his own mouth and then letting the dog lap his fucking face. He did this like 3 feet from where Fatty and I were sitting, totally showing off for the cam. When he was all finished, he looked over at us and smiled and I turn, held up the camera and took....
This guy was awesome. He saw me taking pictures and was like
"That's a neat camera, can I see it?" I figured he just wanted
to look at it, but as soon as I handed it over, he took this
picture of himself, handed it back to me and walked away without
a word. So fucking funny. (No, you're
the man now, dawg.)
The best thing I've ever seen in my life was this pack of eight year-old girls from the Lower East Side who rolled up on their bikes to watch in disbelief. Their collective look of "WHAT THE FUCK ARE THESE CRACKERS DOING?" cannot even be described.
After watching them try to make sense of the situation for more than five minutes, Grant and I wandered over and tried to make things more interesting. We explained (er, ok - lied) to the girls and told them that the kids were dancing as part of a hidden camera show - they were dancing stupid on purpose in hopes that people would yell stuff at them and heckle them - but the problem was, no one had heckled them yet. We told the girls that if they started shouting insults, they'd totally get to be on MTV. We let them ponder that for a few minutes, and then slunk back to enjoy the magic that ensued. Needless to say, the Dance Revolution packed up and headed back to their NYU dorm in a fucking (embarrassed) jiffy.
Kid in the Green shirt: "Do you know what's lame? The fact that people just don't dance, man. I mean, it's like we spend our whole lives being afraid and then one day, we die. That's just so sad. Know what I'm saying?"
Token Asian Friend in Bad Hat: "I'm totally picking up what you're laying down, nigga. Why don't we all go to the park after breakfast and just dance? Just like forget everyone and dance. Let's just totally let go and take it to anotha level. I bet if we do it long enough, everyone else will join in and it will be a big ironic party! I've a boom box and a pair of track pants upstairs. What about the rest of y'all? Y'all with me?"
...a bunch of college freshmen playing a boom box and self-conciously dancing while trying really hard to pass off their insecurity as irony. (The fact that I was standing four feet from them laughing and unabashedly taking pictures probably didn't help). It only took a glance to imagine the conversation that had been held minutes earlier at an NYU dorm cafeteria table that prompted this "happening."
Afterwards we went to Piano's where Amber totally won the "see who get a better photo with this guy" contest. Red gloves? Two sets of handcuffs? Bondage collar? There's so much going on here I don't even know where to start the joke.
The only thing that topped my sandwich was the fact that I got to sit behind fucking Lil' Richard for the entire trip. (Dude's wearing a silk kimono on the bus!)
"Hey dude, that's a fresh hat! I've never seen a cowboy skull hat." "That's because I made it myself." "Wow! You made that? I can't believe it! It's like a work of art - that you can WEAR! Say, you wouldn't mind posing for a picture, would you?" Bwahahaha.
After I finally made it to Texas (around 11pm instead of 4pm), the cute girl I'd sat next to on the plane (on the right) offered me a ride into town when her friend picked her up. And the worst part is, I forget both of their names (I think maybe the girl I sat next to was named Amy?). Jesus, I suck. If I was the Fatty, not only would I have remembered their names, I'd have sent them both thank you cards. If you ever see this, thanks for the ride (Sorry I'm such a jerk).
Quicly became a duet. Er, sort of. This girl didn't sing with me, however, she did lay writing on the stage while I sang and did all sorts of crazy floor dancing. It significantly enhanced my performance.
Look it's Nelly's little brother, Jin! You know! Jin! He's the one who had his hands burned in a terrible bus accident as a kid and now only goes out in public when he's wearing his turtle fur gloves. (Ok, he's not really Nelly's little brother - and I don't know about the bus accident. His name is Jin though. Peep his bejeweled belt buckle. Oh, and those gloves? So turtle fur.)
A few days after the party, Jenny Penny posted pics of the party on her website and inadvertantly identified her butt-ass wasted friend as the clown who most likely kifed my fucking shades.
So I go to my bedroom to check on things and who do I find in there? Jenny Penny and the random dude that got Vin, Amber and I stoned out of our tiny minds that one random night at Lit!
This was a really funny drunk couple we met. I don't remember the girl's name, but I remember that her boyfriend's name was Brad - because every 30 seconds, for no apparent reason, his girlfriend would scream "BRAAAAAAAAAAAD!" at the top of her lungs and then start hysterically laughing. Charming really.
Then, much to Tobias' dismay, we started taking pictures of us giving his tag the dreaded "thumbs down." Oooh! That's gotta sting. Tobias was beside himself and spent the next five minutes standing in front of the bench we were sitting on trying to get us to start a fight with him. Tobias really wanted to fight, but only if we did something first. Scott, explained that since neither of us were going to hit him, if he wasn't going to hit us, he should just go away. Despite Scott's words, Tobias stood there for the next five minutes (literally, FIVE MINUTES) sounding like a broken record: "C'mon, hit me motherfucker. Come on, hit me. Hit me you, bald pussy. What about you, blondie? C'mon hit me. Let's do this. Let's do this. Yo, for real, yo. Let's do this. C'mon, hit me. Hit me..."
Towards the end, he mixed it up a little: "Yo, you're lucky it's just me. How about if I call my crew up and get them to come down here?" Scott, called his bluff "Tobias, it's 3:40am on a Wednesday. More than anything else in the world, I would love for you to call your crew up. Go ahead, call them up. And then when they get here, when you're "crew" is all here, we can fight. How does that sound? Does that sound good to you?" The audience that had gathered, laughed at this, and what little signs Tobias had earlier shown of calming down and leaving us along immediately disappeared and he began trying to get us to punch him with a newfound fervor.
At this point, Scott realized that Tobias clearly wasn't going to go away on his own accord, so in his loudest speaking voice (and keep in mind that as a former opera singer, he can speak very loud) Scott said "EXCUSE ME, COULD YOU PLEASE LEAVE ME ALONE. I JUST WANT TO SIT HERE AND ENJOY MY DRINK AND YOU'RE IN MY PERSONAL SPACE." Tobias kept leaning into Scott's face saying "C'mon hit, me. C'mon!" etc. So again, Scott said "I'M ASKING YOU AGAIN - PLEASE STOP BOTHERING ME. YOU'RE STANDING TOO CLOSE TO ME AND YOU'RE TRYING TO PICK A FIGHT WITH ME AND YOU'RE MAKING ME UNCOMFORTABLE." Tobias didn't stop. So Scott stands up and Tobias steps up to get close to his face again. Seeing no other way, Scott turned his head to the sizeable crowd that had gathered to watch the very small guy persist to berate the very big, bald guy, and asked them "Does everyone here see what's been going on?" Before they could answer, Scott quickly dipped down low for a second and exploded out of his crouched position and with his outstreched arms sent an unsuspecting Tobias sailing backwards, legs up in the air, several feet through the air.
Tobias landed square on his back, smacked his head on the floor and continued to slide backwards with his legs up. He stopped just short of crashing into the bar (which, no joke, was a good 15" from where he'd been standing just a second earlier) and scrambled to his feet. In the sevearal moments that Tobias stood there wild-eyed and quaking, staring at Scott across the distance he'd just so uniquely traveled, torn between wanting to charge at Scott while at the same time understanding that the guy he wanted to charge at was the one that had just sent him hurtling through the air, the bouncer (that I guess had been standing outside on the street the whole time) heard the commotion, came running to the back, grabbed a hold of Tobias and positioned himself between the two men. As soon as the bouncer got a firm hold on him, Tobias, who'd spent the prior ten seconds in a state of non-action, started ferociously struggling to get free so he could kick Scott's "fucking bald ass." After thirty seconds of trying to calm Tobias down, the bouncer looking over Tobia's clearly larger opponent and told him "If you don't calm the fuck down, I'm going to let you go." Tobias immediately calmed down.
With Tobias under control, the bouncer walked over to Scott and told him that he was going to have to leave. At this point, the whole back room chimed in to tell the bouncer that it was the other guy that should be thrown out and Tobias (with cheers from crowd) was ejected from the bar. The bouncer, whose name was Jamal, came back in, and after hearing what had happened from a few onlookers, apologized and bought Scott a beer. Oh, and here's the best part:
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