a thing in 168 photos in 2005

best

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appears with…

best — ...Leigh busted out this mysteriously coiled package. I had my money on some sort of frozen intestines. But closer examination revealed it to be...

best — "I'd fuck me."

best — Oh. My. God. Hahaha.

best — ...dragged into the mix. Hahahah.

best — On Sunday, I moved the last of my stuff into my new sublet at Sarah's, got my own set of keys, and got to officially add my name to the list the lengthy roster of people that are able to proudly call themselves "Occupants of Apt. 3A."

best — Looks like someone's been a very, very naughty pageant girl. Haha. (Believe it or not, that wig is pretty much Leigh's natural color!)

best — Before leaving, I left a surprise in the bathroom (er, one that's better than the surprises I usually leave in there!). Meredith was cast as in a model for one of the Apple catalogs and they ended up hanging a huge banner of her up in the Apple store in SoHo. Our friend Lauren worked there at the time and I asked her to save it for me when they took it down (because Meredith's mom was so proud she wanted it. Hahahah).

best — ...the facial hair I let grow for eleven days! HAHAHAHAHAH. Everyone I know always laughs about my inability to grow facial hair. If I go for more than a day without shaving I get these sparse little whiskers that make it look like I have a dirty face. But figuring this would be one of the few times in my life that I'd be going for over 10 days without having to interact with anyone, I decided to let my majestic facial hair grow and see what it looked like. Are you ready for the close-up?

best — She needed a little help getting number seven stuffed in there...but I was more than happy to lend a thumb. Hahaha.

best — ...THIS! For reals, yo . How scary is this motherfucker? It's an arachnid in the whip-scorpion family called a giant vinegaroon! (Believe it or not, these bad boys also can be found in Texas and other southwestern US states!). As scary looking as it is, it's relatively harmless. Instead of having a poisonous stinger, vinegaroons have a tube coming out of their abdomen that they use to spray an ammonia-vinegar mixture onto their prey to stun them! Once stunned, they use those pincers to rip their prey apart and stuff into their creepy insect maw!

best — ...our phony dry-hump on.

best — Mmmmm! It's Concord Grape Koshertastic!

best — Which resulted in me taking this photo (which I ended up using as my biography photo on my portfolio site!).

best — Sandra got us drunk. We took dumb pictures.

best — On Friday afternoon I hopped on the Eastside uptown bus near the United Nations to visit a certain someone at their new job at Playgirl Magazine. Can you guess who it was by looking at their desk? Let's see....Golden Girls DVD Box Set, Silly Hat and "Red Boy" Brand ginormous DILDO! Hmmm....If you guessed...

best — Hahah. I love this pic, too.

best — ...Grant Stoddard, you are correct, sir! Back in May Grant briefly worked (as a Staff Writer? Editor?) at Playgirl Magazine. A few weeks after starting, his book sold and he promptly left.

best — We piled into the elevator and headed to the Delancey. (I love this photo).

best — Troublemaker #1.

best — Troublemaker #2. Hahaha.

best — I found this lil' woodland creature hiding downstairs in the coat room...

best — Hahaha.

best — It's that new move called "the mop."

best — ...becomes THE HUNTED!

best — On to the next song! High kicking on an amp!

best — Happy Birthday, Heidi! Great show! Now go on and reward yourself by frenching Lionmane. You've earned it!

best — On Thursday morning we all admired Josh's new "Tommy Sunshine" tattoo.

best — How about a closer look? Hahaha. I think the resemblance is uncanny.

best — Hahahah.

best — ...paid back for all my braining. (This is the worst girls can do? Sheee-it, sign me up! I usually have to give a stranger a dollar to get this!)

best — Doy! You have to do the worm, of course!

best — ...this incredible photo op. Hahahah. How fucking scary is photo? Will looks 800 times more like Bad Sensei than I look like Johnny. His resemblance is uncanny! If there had been a lookalike "Daniel-san" in the bar that night, he totally would've shit his pants.

best — White-trash self-portrait.

best — Hahahaha.

best — ...moustaches! Hahaha. Every single time I look at Grant's expression in this pic I actually laugh out loud. (And now that I'm looking again, I guess my silky, blonde moustache is pretty sweet as well).

best — ...NOT SO LUCKY! Hahaha. (PS - Dear Grant, How do you get your balls to be so shiny?)

best — Fatty even showed up trashed out of his mind with a bunch of his co-workers! One of them passed out on the infamous couch in the back. (The site of 2004's infamous "Drunk Guy Jenga") And despite her being one of Fatty's co-workers, rules are rules. If you pass out in public, it probably means that...

best — Before any of the assfucking could get underway, some crazy girl (who was spotted smoking crack earlier in the night) started causing all sorts of problems and tried to get into a fistfight with a fat, gay dude. Jake tried to get her to calm down and she FREAKED THE FUCK OUT ON HIM. Literally, she went out of her mind. After three or four scary minutes, Jake finally managed to get her and her friends to leave the party. But as he was closing the door on them downstairs, she snatched his glasses off his face and ran out into the street. Jake followed her and when he tried to grab his glasses back from her, she bit his hand, grabbed the glasses back, broke them in half, threw them into the street and then ran away laughing.

best — Later that night I headed over to Sarah and Karen's Pre-SXSW Pep Rally. Check out the gals in their "TARTS" cheerleading uniforms. Amazing.

best — Hahaha.

best — I decided to go with Skid Row's cautionary ballad, 18 & Life. I was even lucky enough to score a stageful of interpretive backup dancers. Sure, that song might be a ballad...

best — My buddy Adam B. (who's one of the guys that started Heeb Magazine) is a crazy-ass high-stakes day trader. For a few months he'd been offering to show me the ropes and help me get started, so after I finally got back into town after traveling, I took him up on his offer and went to his day trading office in Union Square for my first lesson. Fast forward 2 hours later, the market's about to close. Something crazy happens and I watch Adam lose $40,000 in, ooooh, about 15 minutes. After the bell sounded and trading stopped, he turned to me and was like "Well, you win some and lose some." I was like "Uh, dude, you just lost a lot of money, right?"

He was all cool and calm like "Yeah, but I'm still up a ton of money for the year. You gotta take the long view. Some days you're going to lose a ton of money - you just gotta take the loss and come back the next day and act normal. As soon as you start acting all crazy and taking the short view, you're fucked." And that's about when I realized that "day trader" is not an occupation for me!

best — Psssst, hey internet! Check out the bottoms of Meredith's sweet, sweet cans!

best — Maybe that dive won't such a bad ting afterall.

best — Hahahah.

best — On the way back into the shallows, we saw this really big, beautiful spotted eel. Which I learned, after being stopped from reaching down to touch it, was an ELECTRIC EEL!

best — Meredith's veggie burger was made out of all the local veggies.

best — Awwwwww.

best — I love this photo.

best — I passed the fuck out and Meredith took pics of my sleeping double chin.

best — Here's the view of my nearby window overlooking the town's square. I had the bacon-wrapped filet mignon served in a blueberry sauce with potatoes au gratin and a few single malt scotches. Cost of the whole meal with tip? 340 EEK. ($26 dollars! Holy cah-rap!).

best — Sah-sah-spooky.

best — This is Jordan (another writer) and I on one of the breaks we took, enroute to ice fishing.

best — This, Ladies and Gentlemen, is Karen Hamlin. One of the crew of writers on the trip. I can't even begin to tell you how much fun we got out of Karen. What a doll. Girlfriend brought a week's supply of peanut better and jelly sandwiches because she had no idea of what Finnish cuisine would be like! (Actually, after 6 straight days of reindeer, I kind of saw her point.) Anyway, earlier on in the night, we asked Karen about her ideal man and she told us that she liked older men and that she always dreamed that "one day she'd be swept off her feet by a handsome shipping typhoon." Hahaha.

Later that evening there was a knock on Jake and my door and when we opened it, we were greeted by Karen in this hot lil' ensemble. After some awkward silence, she coyly told us that maybe she'd been too hasty earlier when she said she just fantisized about older men. (And you thought sub-zero temperatures did a number on your erection!) (You can read a whole lot more about Karen - most of it in her own words! - on Jake's website).

best — Factory floor.

best — ...slip into something more comfortable.

best — Sarah was quick to retaliate with a titty twista!

best — Karen and Sarah showing off their bootwear.

best — Eureka! This one's perfect. Holy shit we're fucking ugly. No wonder neither of us can ever get laid!

best — "Mr. Roboto."

best — Amanda and her friend Lionmane.

best — Grant, Fatty and Frank after the show. Is it me, or does Fatty look a bit like Richard Hell in this pic?

best — And here are my balls (I've got two) posing with 16 year old Jamie cold-pimping in this high school portrait! Hahahah.

best — Check out Silky Black Cowboy giving me the "I'll give you one guess which whiteboy's so gonna throw up when he gets home?"

best — Funniest (and creepiest!) photo of Jack "wearing" his sister's hair as a wig.

best — "Houston, this is Command. We'll have touchdown in 5. 4. 3. 2 1...."

best — Josh's apt.

best — Sandra's so not gangsta. Jeez.