Proprietor and emcee "Owen the Brummie" gives madd props where madd props is due with a double index finger hail. This was the exact moment where the Arlene Grocery foundations were thoroughly shaken for the first of four times on that fateful evening.
Check out my mom rocking the toboggan in her aqua snowsuit with hot magenta boots! (She looks like one of the female supervillans from a James Bond flick circa '84).
Pang Pang gets mad prizzops for this pic - not only is he pulling off a DLR-style kick (that's David Lee Roth), he's also getting his junk touched by Sarah while doing it. SUHweet!
You know, life's funny: One minute you're riding high at a fancy-smancy club in the West Village and dancing with a hot chick. And then just 10 minutes later...
Grant was sweating this chick for awhile, so after he finished his ridicu-normous-sized drink he mustered up enough liquid courage to go up and start dancing with her.
Now, check this - Emily's had a crush on John since she was in 9th grade and she subtley hinted that she might want make out with him (she did this by grabbing my arm and whispering "I totally want to make out with John Christie."
Also on hand was Matt Weiner; an RHS alumnus, a Syracuse alumnus and he lives right down the goddamned street from me in NYC. For those of you new to my site, Matt is so revered for making faces that there have been contests held to pay homage.
On Saturday, while browsing for discounted Canadian porn, we found out about Grant's former life as a model for the "Mr. Jack: Hungy, Hard Sucking, Mouth! (complete with multi-variable vibration unit). Check that shit out, the resemblance is uncanny.
Six cheap Canadian beers later, Grant somehow figured out he could really do a DLR-style (David Lee Roth) jumpkick!!! Check out this shit I managed to capture mid-air.
This is Zion Levy - he's the Israeli cab driver that drove Grant and I up to Fatty's to get the rental car. When he heard we were going to Montreal, he started laughing and told us that "the Montreal women are many naughty and are enjoying to make the fuck very much." He then launched into what might be the greatest story of all time about how when he was a young lad visiting the Jersey shore, a bus load of women from Montreal showed up and he fucked most of them (including a mother and her 17 year old virgin-daughter.) Seriously, I haven't laughed so hard in a long time. If you ever get in Zion's cab, make sure to tell him you're heading to Canada.
Seven Layer put on a fancy shirt and wasn't about to get clam sauce all over it...check him shamelessly sporting the fucking Guinea Bib. Molto bello, fuckhead! (PS - Bonus Points to Grant for an amazing "get a load of this fuggin' guy" face).
Okay, this pic is from a few weeks earlier when Laura was in town for "The Rules of Attraction" premeire...but it's the greatest picture ever and I didn't include it earlier so here it is.
After laughing like two crazed loons at the mop photos, Doug decided it would be funny to capture an action shot of him breaking something...here's him mid-throw with a CPU monitor we found on the street.
I call this photo "Birthday Boy, 5:42am." If you listen very carefully while looking at this picture, you can actually hear him groaning. (PS - Is that a velour shirt you're wearing, Scott?)
At some point in the early morning, my roommate's cat walked into the living room with something in his mouth. Which closer investigation revealed to be this severed mouse head! UGH! Here's Scott laughing hysterically and posing with it.
The most obvious perk at an empty beach is that there aren't any people around. A less-realized, ancillary perk is that sometimes your female friends will take out their "perks" and sun them in front of you. Grant peeps over Sarah's bizzoobie.
Forget about that "kissing co-workers" or nonsense, Emma just plain said fuck it and got up on the dancing cube in nothing but her undies. Fuck Yeah. (Also, it should be noted at this point that she's up there dancing with the infamous "tie off your weiner, professional stripper guy" from when Grant and I stripped).
Look at that smile, think Russ has had a few? Brave soul that he is, he starts chatting up her friend too. "Why yes, you're legs are smooth." Priceless.
Hulk Hogan's (not so) Little Sister. Jesus Christ, look at that fucking forearm! We would've been laughing hysterically if we weren't so scared that she was going to grab hold of one of our heads and crack it open like a walnut with her bare (man)hands.
No stranger to whipping out my own bag, I handed over the camera and teamed up with Grant for this amazing photo. (Look at our faces!!! nd bonus points to me for actually resting my nuts on the guys chair.)
Yep, that's right, going right towards seeing Bob's big belly broken out in rashy, ingrown-hair, hives from an amateur waxing gone awry. What's up, ouch!
Check this shit out...these three girls were part of a bachelorette party and they were going around asking if anyone had a condom...because their friend was getting married in a few days and she needed to "Get fucked one last time." Her friends informed us that they needed a condom because they didn't have one and "You know, she's not going to fuck some stranger right before her wedding without a condom 'cus that would be wrong." Luckily Vinnie Delpino (Doogie Howser's best friend) came through with a rubber at the last minute!
See that girl in the purple tank top? I asked her what kind of beads she was wearing and she told me they were Mardi Gras beads, so I started chanting "Show Yer Tits! Show Yer Tits!" Which she did, but my camera went off too early. Sorry, I got excited! (PS - Look at Kenny lending a "helping hand" in lifting up her shirt)
When Kenny's not working (at his job where he impersonates "Doug" from "King of Queens"), he's busying wooing the beautiful (and tan, did I say tan?) ladies of the Jizzersey Shizzore.
Hey, it's not really a night of jerseyshoredrinking unless somebody tries to kick YOUR FUCKING FAGGOT ASS!!! This guy proudly displays his ripped shirt. (Bonus points to his friend for making that face. Ha!).
This is the 2nd best pic of the night. Vin & Josh blow up Grant's spot ("Who does that guy think he is back there?") as he tries to kick it to Amanda in the background. HAHAHA!
Okay, question for you: How the fuck did we not get thrown out of the bar??? I'm standing on one of the booths, screaming and doing a David Lee Roth kick while both Martin and Jessica get ready to touch my package. This is at like 10pm on a Wednesday!?! (Also, look over to the left of me...aren't those the same two girls from before making out? It's an hour and a half later and they're still going at it).
This is my favorite picture. I think that expression he's wearing is what you'd call "genuine panic." (Which you'd be wearing too if a giant, well-trainer wrestler was putting you in a "small package.")
Before I had to go back to the conference on Friday morning, Sarah took me over to a restaurant called "Bennett's Smut n' Eggs." This is a breakfast-oriented diner that has TVs all over the place playing hardcore pornography.
Before heading out of town, Sarah and I went joyriding in the pimpmobile one last time (and I snapped this amazing photo of her as we drove past some WWII airplane monument - it's one of my favoritest pics of all time).
This guy fucking rocked. He was all walking aroun in the disco lights in full KISS costume. It wasn't until my flash went off that I realized he was wearing a monochromatic, pink KISS outfit.
Right when I got off the highway and into Boston, I called Kate to ask where I should meet her. Answering the phone, she barely managed to slur a hello. Turns out a few hours earlier, she had been trying to light a match without removing it from the matchbook (kids, let this be a lesson) and the whole book ignited burning her hand pretty badly. She and her roommate Erin promptly headed to the bar across the street to try to ease the pain. By the time I showed up - she was definitely no longer feeling any pain. Here's Kate right after we got back to her place.
Check out the Coin-op fortune lady getting all protective o'er her bottle of Bacardi! That's the thing about Coney Island, they always keeping it real out there. You know what I'm sayin?
Grant was getting sentimental watching all the little kids get swung around by one of the Dads there. Hating to see him down, I was happy to indulge him in a little trip down memory lane.
After getting Brian settled in, Mark had to pick up this life-sized painting a friend did of Mark with a giant boner. She says it's called "Virile Poet." I get chills just looking at it. (Actual boner digitally enlarged 2.8x for your enjoyment).
...only because this photo is the greatest. Look at who's large and in charge at the back of the caboose. Frances in the muthafucking hizzouse, you know what I'm sayin?
Dave G (The Ladies' Choice) has got to get with the program! He's all in the background making his "Party Guy Face" when we clearly told him that it was a "Blue Steel" moment.
What's tougher than this picture? Two insanely hot girls, and two people pointing while he still manages to throw down in time for the camera. According to Matty, "The dj booth is padded...just in case you go insane." Hahaha.
Holy Sweet Mother of God. There's no caption that can be written that can make this picture any funnier. So I'm just going to shut up and give Josh the score he deserves.
Score: 11 out of 10
