a person in 395 photos in 2005

me

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Mamma Bear trying to hide from my camera.

Yes! Wah-wah-wispy! I was dying to shave it off, but I promised Grant that I'd at least let him get a quick look at it before shaving it off.

Nothing cheers up a convalescing friend like a summery blouse! I was only happy to oblige!

"I'd fuck me."

Late night I met up with Tins and we stayed up late shooting the shit on a park bench on Allen St.

On Sunday, I moved the last of my stuff into my new sublet at Sarah's, got my own set of keys, and got to officially add my name to the list the lengthy roster of people that are able to proudly call themselves "Occupants of Apt. 3A."

Goodbye Apt A. (And I'll see you soon enough, roomie.)

Then I let Sarah put make up on me.

We were both shocked to realize that with make up on I sorta look like an older blonde version of Greg Krelenstein.

Hahahaha.

...Hot Corri (who I always want to make out with but she's always dating someone!) seen here making fun of my choice footwear. Hahah.

After Grant and Amanda had finished admiring it, I announced that it was time for my "wispytee" to disappear and busted out my electric clippers. I turned them on and brought them to my face, then realized (with horror) that the hairs were too long for the electric clipper to work because they wouldn't go inside the screen! It was like a horror movie when it dawned on my that I was going to have to spend the rest of my night out in public...

...looking like this. Hahaha.

...the facial hair I let grow for eleven days! HAHAHAHAHAH. Everyone I know always laughs about my inability to grow facial hair. If I go for more than a day without shaving I get these sparse little whiskers that make it look like I have a dirty face. But figuring this would be one of the few times in my life that I'd be going for over 10 days without having to interact with anyone, I decided to let my majestic facial hair grow and see what it looked like. Are you ready for the close-up?

There wasn't much dancing doing on at the new place, but it was definitely a better atmosphere. We decided to order a few more buckets and get lifted.

...our phony dry-hump on.

On Saturday I went to Misshapes. I didn't bring my camera. Thankfully, someone else was kind enough to snap these pictures of Sheal and I getting...

On Monday, I pretended to be an angry raccoon (??). That is all.

Mmmmm! It's Concord Grape Koshertastic!

Which resulted in me taking this photo (which I ended up using as my biography photo on my portfolio site!).

Me and Aunt Elaine.

Thursday night I went out late to wander around and see if I could run into anyone I knew. I ended up at Happy Ending (remember how much fun that party used to be on Thursday nights there?) and hit pay dirt! Right when I walked in the door, I ran into Ellen Stagg!

I may or may not have tried to not-so-subtley pop out her boobie (while a half-naked black man gyrated against us).

Tinny broke my cigarette.

Hahaha.

By the way, Is my head enormous? Or does Geordon have a tiny peanut head?

Take three is the winner. After catching up at Meredith's apartment, we all headed a few hundred feet down the street to go to Orchard Bar for Sarah and Karen's weekly party.

Take two.

Best Fwiends. Take One.

...and brought her out on the dance floor. (Hahaha. Look at her feral woodland creature face).

Check the tan! Hahah.

Hahaha.

...the hunter...

...becomes THE HUNTED!

Sometimes...

Hahaha.

...WHAMMO! Say hello to my leeeeetle friends! Hahahaha. You should've heard the screaming and shreiking that happened. Oh Em Gee! This picture is censored becuase, as funny as it is, you DEFINITELY do not want to see the back of my just-got-out-of-a-hot-shower hangy bag . Trust me! Ewwwwwww, indeed.

So fresh and so clean! After Sarah and Josh had recovered from the trauma my nizzuts had inflicted, we hopped into a cab and headed over to Stubb's for...

On Friday morning Sarah and Josh were watching TV in the living room and I came out of the shower to ask if there were any more "bigger towels." Josh was like "I think they just left a stack of fresh towels out in the hall." Me, "Out in the hall, eh? I guess I'll just turn around and walk out there and get one." To which Sarah and Josh replied "Uh, ok." So I turned around and...

Hahaha. Looking forward to meeting you in a few months, Lucy!

My eyes feel like sleepy.

Hahahah.

This is me being critical.

On the way out, I ran into Imran!

Afterwards, I met up with Stephen and a few of...

...paid back for all my braining. (This is the worst girls can do? Sheee-it, sign me up! I usually have to give a stranger a dollar to get this!)

Congrats on your label's very first party, Sar!

Oh my god, I think Karen must be ill! This is the first time I've ever seen her tongue pink instead of orange.

This guy was super nice! He reads this site! Sorry I forgot your name! If you still bother checking my piss-poor site which I only update like 3x a year, email me and tell me your name!

Hey Sarah, remember when we used to stay out late?

Hahahaha.

OMG! LOL! WTF?

...this incredible photo op. Hahahah. How fucking scary is photo? Will looks 800 times more like Bad Sensei than I look like Johnny. His resemblance is uncanny! If there had been a lookalike "Daniel-san" in the bar that night, he totally would've shit his pants.

Niki and Ellen!

White-trash self-portrait.

Ellen and me (showing off my wonky, white-trash eye).

Hahaha. So blonde and so silky. One day, mark my words, one day I will be able to grow that thing for real! Happy Birthday, Siege!

Hahahaha.

Me and Astra.

...moustaches! Hahaha. Every single time I look at Grant's expression in this pic I actually laugh out loud. (And now that I'm looking again, I guess my silky, blonde moustache is pretty sweet as well).

Here's Grant and I waiting on the corner of Delancey and Bowery for Siege to come off the JMZ (if you don't live in NYC, that's a subway). Grant and I decided that the best way to keep Siege occupied for an hour and give him some birthday loving would be to take him to...

What the fuck is wrong with my eyes? Siege swears he didn't alter them in Photoshop but it's hard for me to believe him seeing as my eyes make me look like a character in Soundgarden's Black Hole Sun video. WTF?

Me grabbing a hold of two sweet, sweet cans (a Bud Pounder and Sue May's sweet bottom).

Meredith caught me taking a turkey nap on the couch.

And Ellen!

So was Moshi Moshi Stephen!

Reunited with my old roomie Victoria!

New passport photo.

Yo, check out that hair. Hahaha.

Jonas and Amy K

Tinny trying to hide from Briangina's camera.

Hahah.

And Sandra and I realized that, in some weird way, we sort of look like brother and sister.

Hahaha.

And a Heeb shirt!

And Ochi who I hadn't seen in three years!

It also gave up a chance to catch up with Miriam! We spent so much god damn time in this diner that she's practically family.

Prizes included an official certificate proclaiming me winner of the very first American Schmidol 2005!

And a heartfelt ending. Why, Ricky? WHY? By the way, Brother Lawrence was manning my camera for all of this and I'd like to thank him for taking such great pics.

I decided to go with Skid Row's cautionary ballad, 18 & Life. I was even lucky enough to score a stageful of interpretive backup dancers. Sure, that song might be a ballad...

Yes, that's right! Sing along with me, Jews! You can't but help be charmed by my blonde shikso locks!

In American Schmidol, everyone gets to perform one song. The judges score everyone and then pick two finalists to return to the stage and each sing one more song. The winner of the finalists round will be crowned AMERICAN SCHMIDOL! Any karaoke enthusiast knows there are a very limited number of jams that are surefire karaoke gold. I wasn't sure which one to go with. Oh, Darling by The Beatles? Faith by George Michael? Maybe something from the Pantheon of Jovi? In the end I decided to take no risks and chose the only nuclear warhead in the karaoke arsenal: Laura Brannigan's Gloria.

Rina! (posing with my weird moon-face).

...but it's a ballad with YELLING! AND A MORAL!

Which I figured she like better than this creepy-ass person-shaped squishy pillow for sleeping with. Hahah.

Then afterwards I went over to Happy Ending. Me with SmellsGood BonJersey and Eric.

We also learned something else about Jamaica: no matter where you go, no matter how remote or desolate the place might seem, you will have about eight minutes of "alone time," before a local will appear, seemingly out of nowhere, to try to sell you something. A tour, a bracelet, a boat ride, a snorkeling trip, and if all else fails, a giant bag of weed.

Meredith laughing at me reading Wired. Which she now reads. (Guess who's been infected with NERDOM?)

While standing there, we had a realization...

Over breakfast we busted out the guidebook we'd bought the day before in NYC...

After some wonderful dinner and a few rounds of refreshing tropical drinks...

And a bow. You definitely can't leave out the bow.

This one. (By the way, how sweet is that bracelet of mine? I'm actually still wearing it 18 months later).

Pasty guy on the beach! Pasty guy on the beach!

...stayed inside and read (and took creepy photos of ourselves, apparently).

...wetsuit. Hahaha.

Afterwards we hit the beach back at our hotel and Meredith finally managed to get a point up on the Scrabble board. 3-1.

Awwww, yeah! And headed over to Dunns River Falls. Which is this really nice picturesque waterfall that you climb up. (Don't have pics becuase I was afraid about my cam getting ruined).

Exhausted from trouncing Meredith at Scrabble (yet again! 3-0, baby!) I hit the towel for a nizzap.

Thursday morning we got up, hit the beach and watched the cruise ships come in.