i keep a diary

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wtf
And this, uhhhhh, this is the other photo I took. (I was worried that Meredith would look at the pics on my camera and see pics of us ring shopping!) The best part of the day was that Amanda and Leigh kept showing me the rings that they would want to receive as engagement rings. Hahaha. They kept going "You know, so if I'm ever dating a guy and you hear that he's thinking about asking me to marry him, you'll be able to show him what kind of rings I like.!" Awwww. Isn't that sweet? The two of them are like adorable little pirates.
the may roundup: part two
May, 2008
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...not so much.
the may roundup: part one
May, 2008
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Some days are action packed. Other days...
the may roundup: part one
May, 2008
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But hey, what comes around goes around! Less than twenty-four hours later, I managed to snipe this photo of Meredith's very own unique way of "relaxing" while she watches TV. (Yes, she really sits like this)
the november roundup: part two
November, 2007
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On Saturday morning, I was (obviously) feeling a little lazy and elected to skip the whole "getting dressed" nonsense and go directly to reading cool articles on the interweb. I guess I lost track of time and was sitting there long enough for Meredith to grab my camera and take this totally sneaky photo of unaware-me browsin' in the buff. After years of posting all sorts of compromising and embarrassing photos of friends and strangers alike, I figured it's only fair to post horribly embarrassing pics of me as well!
the november roundup: part two
November, 2007
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On Monday, I hooked up the TV and stoked to see that our previous tenant had forgotten to cancel cable! FUCKING SCORE! I was, however, quite shocked to see the new HBO On Demand line up for November. Designa Vagina? Pumping His Grundle? Holy shit, right?

Kids growing up today must have it so easy - they can just turn on the interweb or HBO On Demand and pretty much see EVERYTHING. Back when I was little, if I wanted to see some some titties I had to wait until the end of the month and then go down to the Cumberland Farms (which is the north Jersey equivalent of 7-11) every day and sneak around back and go dumpster diving - hoping we'd hit the jackpot and arrive on the day that they threw out all the n00dy mags from the previous month! (We used to sell all the extras to kids in Middle School - $5 a mag!).

It was either that or wait until everyone went to bed and stay up for hours watching the Spice Channel hoping that the "scramble" would clear up long enough to see a tit! Hahaha.
the november roundup: part one
November, 2007
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Later that night I saw the most disturbing disclaimer I've ever seen at the end of a commercial for prescription medicine! "The way VERAMYST works is not entirely understood." Whaaaaaat?
the october roundup: part one
October, 2007
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The funniest part of the night is when I sat down to look something up on Fatty's computer and when I typed in the letters "G" and "I," Fatty's Google history totally sold him out and revealed one of his previous Google searches: "gifts for guys that like guitars with babies" that was clearly from when he used Google to try to figure out what to get his little brother for the holidays. This is fucking priceless and I still laugh every time I see it.
the holiday present extravaganza of xmas 2005
December 24, 2005
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"Free Tab? FUCK YEAH!"
the december roundup
December, 2005
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One of Meredith's friends was there visiting and when I asked her to make her ugliest face, she put her entire hand in her mouth. (Which marked the only time someone's "ugly face" gave me a chubby. Hahahah).
the december roundup
December, 2005
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Siege shows off the *used!* light-up speculum that Jake Brownstain gave him as a "gift." "Er, thanks dude."
the november roundup
November, 2005
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The show started out normal enough, but then halfway through the set, this wannabe Lenny Kravitz pushed his way up to the stage and started giving Grant funny looks.
the november roundup
November, 2005
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Then he turned towards the audience and started doing these weird dance moves along to the music.
the november roundup
November, 2005
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Grant was so distracted, that he eventually just ended up inviting the guy up on stage. Things got even weirder when he produced a Minnie Mouse hand puppet from out of thin air.
the november roundup
November, 2005
wtf
Later that night, Meredith came over with good news and bad news. The good news was she was finally ready to get back together. The bad news was that she wanted me to read the book Men Are Mars, Women Are from Venus. (Which, and I never thought in a million years that I'd actually say this, I learned a lot from and actually totally changed our relationship for the better!)
the november roundup
November, 2005
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Each of the photograph series in the books came with its own plastic packet filled with "edible fragrances" printed on that same edible film they make those Listerine breath-strips out of. It was creepy. Some of the flavors/fragrances included: Guilt, Power, Youth, Orgasm, and my personal favorite...
the november roundup
November, 2005
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Afterwards we took pictures of Leigh's creepy troll dolls...
the november roundup
November, 2005
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On Tuesday I was walking down the street and saw this license plate...
the november roundup
November, 2005
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Candy's bass player had a 5-string bass that had LIGHT-UP fret markers! ("Light-up" as in, yes, they were actually powered by a battery pack or something). It was the most awesomely cheesetastic thing I think I've ever seen at a rock club in NYC (and that's saying a lot!).
the october roundup
October, 2005
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That's right! It's some milataristis wet-dream doll-reenactment of US Special forces capturing Osama and Saddam together once and for all PROVING that Iraq was linked to 9/11.

Please take a moment now to imagine in your mind the gun-toting, jingoistic nutjob who actually took the time to buy these dolls and arrange them (aka - play with the dolls!!!) and put up this display at the gun shop?

(PS - Check out the flag-toting fanboy in the background representing stars & stripes while the one dude prepares to MOTHERFUCKING EXECUTE Bin Laden. Who by the way, hasn't aged a day in the last 6 years....hmmmmm.)
business (and guns!) in san francisco
September 26, 2005
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Crazy, right? I can't believe the colors!
business (and guns!) in san francisco
September 26, 2005
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As we were nearing the Bay Area, there were all of these crazy-colored bodies of water. I'm hoping it's not pollution, but whatever was causing it, it sure was pretty!
business (and guns!) in san francisco
September 26, 2005
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What in the world are those?
business (and guns!) in san francisco
September 26, 2005
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Whoa, upon closer examination, I realized that the dragon's tongue is turning into the dude's headphones. I'm not sure what the deep symbolism means exactly, but it's sure-as-shit left me speechless. Wow. Just wow.
the september roundup: part one
September, 2005
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Afterwards, I ended up in a bookstore where I found this amazing book of magazine ads from the 1980s. Check out this fucking AMAZING ad for a clothing store called Chess King. A dragon? Curly-haired muscle dude wearing headphones and holding a broken chain in one hand and an oiled, topless slut with a ceremonial dagger strapped to her leg in the other?
the september roundup: part one
September, 2005
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Then Baron decided to up the ante and make his steep I Keep a Diary debut even steeper - that's right, the undies came off. So, um, yeah. Here's Baron, at 12:08pm in the afternoon on a Tuesday, buck-naked in Sarah's living room cracking open a fresh brewski, while I'm snapping photos, Sarah's hysterically laughing, and Greg the Boyfriend (remember him!?) is trying to hide from my camera (not wanting to be seen in the room) and trying to not make accidental eye contact with Baron's wang.
the july roundup: part two
July, 2005
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...or the fact that he was accompanied to the park by an actual woman. Seen here hiding her face. Which I'm sure is only because of the sun. (What, you mean you'd be embarrassed to have a parrot on your ass?)
the july roundup: part one
July, 2005
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Yay! It's frozen pork snouts! (Incidentally, I think that was the first time in my life I've ever typed the word "snouts." What a fun word to type!) Anyway, we were pretty much laughing hysterically when we pulled this bad boy out of the freezer. After putting back the snoutsicles...
the july roundup: part one
July, 2005
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...boneless duck feet? Hmmmm....ok. I mean, I've heard of people down in the south eating pigs feet, so why not duck feet? Ok, gotcha. I'm feeling you so far, China. What's next?
the july roundup: part one
July, 2005
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Ahhhhh! The premium pork uterus! Er, what to say here? At least it's premium, I guess. Say what you will about my neighborhood, but at least we don't sell no second-rate reproductive swine organs. Ok, onto the frozen foods section!
the july roundup: part one
July, 2005
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...live eel bin! Pretty crazy to watch them all swimming around and shit, but hey, it's nothing I haven't seen on pretty much every block down in Chinatown, right? So then further in we came across the...
the july roundup: part one
July, 2005
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On Tuesday, Leigh and I went to the new Chinese grocery store that opened up down the street from Sarah's apartment in the LES. You know you're in for a unique grocery shopping experience when the place has a giant plastic bin of assorted LIVE frogs right when you walk in the door. And the best part was that the frogs were only the opening act! It kept getting weirder the deeper into the store we went! So after the frog bin came the...
the july roundup: part one
July, 2005
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While browsing at Tower Records one afternoon, I came across the new Tsar record...that was affixed with the most depressing sticker I think I've ever seen in my life.
the june roundup
June, 2005
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Ugh. Contains that song that you heard in the FUCKING NESTLE CRUNCH COMMERCIAL....THIS IS REAL ROCK N' ROLL! Imagine that poor band having to try to keep a pretend-smile on their face as their label's "marketing guy" explained this to them. Ooooof.
the june roundup
June, 2005
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On Friday afternoon I hopped on the Eastside uptown bus near the United Nations to visit a certain someone at their new job at Playgirl Magazine. Can you guess who it was by looking at their desk? Let's see....Golden Girls DVD Box Set, Silly Hat and "Red Boy" Brand ginormous DILDO! Hmmm....If you guessed...
the may roundup
May, 2005
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...Grant Stoddard, you are correct, sir! Back in May Grant briefly worked (as a Staff Writer? Editor?) at Playgirl Magazine. A few weeks after starting, his book sold and he promptly left.
the may roundup
May, 2005
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How about the zipper that you can use to "zip your head off?"
sxsw south by southwest 2005
March 16, 2005
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...this handmade dress someone gave to Sarah! It was made by a designer (who's apparently a big INXS fan) who wanted to start a line of clothing called Elegantly Wasted. Hence, a silky, mauve dress for Sarah with the words "Elegantly Wasted" ironed on the front. The best detail of the dress?
sxsw south by southwest 2005
March 16, 2005
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Topped off with a creeeeeeepy wig. "Shut yer pretzel hole and cook me dinner, whore!"
siege's white trash birthday bash
March 02, 2005
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Nope! Hahaha. Siege, who doesn't even like being touched, endured an hour long, rigorous massage in the hopes that he'd get to finally learn about the "ancient Chinese secret," and got gypped!
siege's white trash birthday bash
March 02, 2005
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Jake wearing his other pair of glasses while holding up one half of his destroyed frames that he retreived from the street.
the march roundup
March, 2005
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Before any of the assfucking could get underway, some crazy girl (who was spotted smoking crack earlier in the night) started causing all sorts of problems and tried to get into a fistfight with a fat, gay dude. Jake tried to get her to calm down and she FREAKED THE FUCK OUT ON HIM. Literally, she went out of her mind. After three or four scary minutes, Jake finally managed to get her and her friends to leave the party. But as he was closing the door on them downstairs, she snatched his glasses off his face and ran out into the street. Jake followed her and when he tried to grab his glasses back from her, she bit his hand, grabbed the glasses back, broke them in half, threw them into the street and then ran away laughing.
the march roundup
March, 2005
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And, um, a pipe of a rasta man with a cock to rival my forearm. Charming! With so many great gifts to choose from I bet you're wondering what she ended up getting me.
accidental vacation in jamaica
February 16, 2005
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This pile of snow was so tired from walking around impersonating a Klansmans hood all day that it just had to take a seat.
the january roundup: part two
January, 2005
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...holiday-themed bathroom grafitto (which is the gramatically correct singular form of the more commonly misused "graffiti") that was scribbled above the urinal in the Ledgewood Mall bathroom. Check out her festive elf hat! And hey, is that a bell on top?
christmas with the battjers
December 23, 2004
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Oh, and here's a pic of the Holiday Card Meredith received in the mail from her friend Chessa. She took one of Meredith's old modeling pics, cropped it super-close and then stamped a "YOU'RE A JEW!" menorah on her forehead. Hahaha. Classy!
christmas with the battjers
December 23, 2004
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...this guy! Check out his outfit! It's like...actually, you know what? Making fun of this guy's outfit would be like tackling a a guy with no legs. I mean I'm not exactly a fashion maven, but even I know not to mix my wide-waled raver cords with any of my (many) leopard-print silk robe-shirts.
the november roundup
November, 2004
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...I managed to capture this! When I showed my brother the photo on my tiny camera preview screen he almost dooked his drawers. But upon closer examination what we thought might be some evil spectre just turned out to be...
brett visits for halloween in san francisco
October 29, 2004
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...the gnarly, terror-tastic lower-boob hickey she'd received the night before. Sweet Maria!
back in nyc
October 21, 2004
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...Mr. Invents-a-Sport! (What the fuck is he doing? Roller-skiing?)
leigh visits san francisco
October 07, 2004
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Driving a little further we saw a turn in off the road that led to a nice little park and took it. Then we got of the car and saw this sign. Fucking mountain lions? Are you kidding me? So let me get this straight, California - you've got a beautiful ocean that too cold to even GO IN and you've got scenic parks where CHAIN MAIL SHIRTS are recommended if you want to toss a frisbee around? W. T. F. ?
meredith visits san francisco
September 25, 2004
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Who the fuck buys a hearse and then is like "Hmmm, it's pretty goth but NOT GOTH ENOUGH FOR ME! I'm gonna need to get me some plywood and some stained glass and build a little evil church on top." If had me that shit I would've totally redid it to look like the Ghostbuster's car. (Although, now that I think about it, I'm not sure if that's more gay or less gay?)
the september roundup: life in san francisco
September, 2004
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Then on the walk home I saw this hearse that somebody had turned into some sort of creepy, gothic cathedral car.
the september roundup: life in san francisco
September, 2004
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The hood ornament looked like a sculpture that H.R. Geiger would make (if he lost his hands....and all of his talent).
the september roundup: life in san francisco
September, 2004
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...Chicago's legendary Mr. Whitefolks, who is arguably the world's only famous white pimp best known for his extensive speech on the importance of "beating the shit outta your hos to keep them in line" in HBO's Pimps Up Hos Down documentary. When I showed up, he was actually in the process of trying to convince Leigh and Meredith and that they should "be his bitches." He later informed me that this process is known as "turning bitches out." (Check out both of Leigh and Meredith's absolutely priceless expressions. Hahahah.).
random thursday night of karaoke at the delancey
July 15, 2004
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Wednesday night at 7pm sharp, my cell phone rang. It was Seth. "Battjer, look out your window, we're heeeeeeeeeeere." I pulled back my bedroom curtain and instantly shuddered. After rhetorically asking myself countless times "What kind of douchenozzle would actually ever drive around Manhattan in a fucking HUMMER-LIMO?" I'd finally answered my own question. Doh. (In Seth's defense, he'd actually ordered a normal strech limo but it'd broken down and this was the only other car the company had onhand that would accomodate our group.)
frank picarazzi's bachelor party
July 08, 2004
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I went out of town for a few days to attend my cousin Chris' wedding, when I got back into town, there was a note from my roommate on the door saying she'd also gone away for a few days. The note explained that she'd left some food out for Herman (her cat) but that he'd probably need more by the time I got back and to please feed him. In the summertime, most people would leave a cat a bowl of DRY CAT FOOD, right? Well, not Vic. By the time I got home, the bowl of wet cat food she left for him had transformed into a swirling, writhing bowl FILLED with maggots. (See, that's the thing about my site - you may get to see two stupidly hot girls smooching, but you also have to deal with nonsense like this. Sorry.)
the july roundup: part one
July, 2004
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Which is why she had this all over her bum. (Or at least that's her story).
brunch and karens 23rd birthday party at misshapes
June 26, 2004
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...NAKED MAN! Hahahaha. This old dude is always chilling there in a lil' Speedo-type thang and from certain angles (ok, most angles) it looks like he's buck naked.
brunch and karens 23rd birthday party at misshapes
June 26, 2004
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On Tuesday night, I was apparently at Meredith's apartment. This photo of her Olympia Gyros poster is the only evidence.
the june roundup
June, 2004
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This is why it's always better to just wait for one of the urinals to open up. Venture into a stall at a rock show and you never know what the fuck you're going to see. Is that someone's shirt in there? How does that even happen?
the may roundup: part one
May, 2004
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After leering around NYU for a while, we decided to head over to the dog park in Washington Sqaure Park. We sat around playing with OPP (other peoples' pets). Then this guy showed up. What started out as a normal "petting session" almost escalated into a totally different kind of "petting session." The guy mounted his dog in reverse and spent a god-honest five whole minutes seductively stroking the animal's hindquarters. It was so creepy. Everyone in the park stopped talking and just watched him.
vin's 28th birthday
April 24, 2004
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Once he was sure he had the park's attention (and after he'd ejaculated in his shorts) he went on to give his dog a drink of water by pouring the water into his own mouth and then letting the dog lap his fucking face. He did this like 3 feet from where Fatty and I were sitting, totally showing off for the cam. When he was all finished, he looked over at us and smiled and I turn, held up the camera and took....
vin's 28th birthday
April 24, 2004
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Oh, and to look at the posters advertising the hugely uni-boobed woman that we'd apparently missed during our stay. How could this have happened?
european vacation part 17: the melidoni caves.
October 29, 2003
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Ever notice how the Greeks have been kind of quiet on the world scene since inventing modern thought and baklava? Well it turns out that they've been teaching killer fish circus tricks. Unfortunately, the bizarre aquatic piranha circus wasn't happening until after we left. Boo!
european vacation part 12: knossos ruins.
October 27, 2003
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Greek for "Tasty Pigs???"
european vacation part 7: first day in crete!.
October 24, 2003
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Right after eating, we decided to do grab some groceries for the condo. (If you take our collective will-power and combined it, it would be equivalent to the will power of a cranky six year-old with ADD. Therefore, grocery shopping is an event we recognize can only be undertaken upon full stomachs!). Right when we walked into the store, we quickly got distracted by absolutely amazing rack of "SOUVENIR FROM GREECE" buttons. Here's just a few of our faves: Grant holds up "Suck My Bell End" (for all y'all not familiar with this charming British colloquialism, a "bell end" is the head, or "glans" of the penis).
european vacation part 7: first day in crete!.
October 24, 2003
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Chris (being Greek) demonstrates the proper way to wear this "Can I Lick Your Clit?" souvenir from Greece.
european vacation part 7: first day in crete!.
October 24, 2003
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And then, always a big hit with the ladies, there's the incredible "Show Us Yer PISS FLAPS" SOUVENIR FROM GREECE button. Seriously, if you're having a difficult time meeting people at parties, you need to get yourself one of these buttons. It's a no-fail conversation starter!

We actually purchased all three of these buttons in hopes that the person who woke up one morning and thought to themselves, "Hey! Wouldn't THAT make a GREAT souvenir button?" has since become a rich man.
european vacation part 7: first day in crete!.
October 24, 2003
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And also checked out a whole bunch of vehicles outfitted with monster tires.
european vacation part 2: reykjavik, iceland.
October 21, 2003
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Ahh sweet! The new scrotal augmentation store is finally here!
day off upstate
September 12, 2003
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I saw this on the subway: A huge advertisement for a new show on UPN called "The Mullets." Before throwing myself onto the tracks, I decided it'd be better to wait a few weeks and see how the show did. If it failed miserably, maybe there'd still be some hope for this planet and I wouldn't have to kill myself. So now that some time has passed I Googled the show to find out how it's doing and the good news is that it was put on hiatus after 6 episodes because it was the "the least-watched series on any of the six networks this fall." Yay! I can live! *Whew!*
the september roundup part one
September, 2003
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So right when they were bringing the cake out, I got called up to sing. I grabbed the dick off the cake (thinking it was just a plastic dick) and stuffed it down my pants. Only after the song was over did I realize the dick was actually made out of white chocolate and if it wasn't ruined right when I shoved it down my underwear, it was certainly ruined when I let an enthusiastic audience member stub out their cigarette on it (see the ash mark?). Doh. Uh, sorry about that one guys.
sarah's lingerie karaoke birthday party
August 06, 2003
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And with the spankings out of the way it was time for birthday cake woooo!
sarah's lingerie karaoke birthday party
August 06, 2003
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Okay I know this a little random, but you know you're living close to Chinatown when your local bodega's got these stocked! (Hehehe. Just Kidding!) Anyway, "Snugger Fit?" Oh, man - what's worse than having to go up to the register with a package of these bad boys? Oh wait, having a girl you've never slept with before see this package before she sees your, um, package.
the august roundup
August, 2003
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Sunday morning we felt like, well, like we should've felt considering the amount of drinking we'd done the night before. A bewildered Kate holds up a pair of panties she found on the floor that don't belong to her. Huh?
bidness in los angeles
July 24, 2003
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Okay, I just spent ten minutes trying to think of a funny caption for this photo but have come to the conclusion that nothing is funnier than just pointing out her expression. Just look how proud of herself she is. You can almost see her daydreaming about the non-existent day in the future when one of these clowns becomes the next Basquiat and she'll have the dress all hanging in a glass case on her wall telling her friends at a cocktail party, "Well, the moment I saw him writing those squiggles on the wall, I just knew I had to have him paint me. I needed to be his canvas."

If anyone living on a farm in Iowa is reads this, and you've got some extra room in your barn or something, email me because I need to get the fuck out of this city.
the july roundup
July, 2003
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After Doogie and Keanu, I thought that there'd be no where to go but down. But then I managed to snap this pic of The Sweatiest Armpit Guy Ever. Suh-weet!
the matrix reloaded movie party
May 13, 2003
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Check this crazy shit out - we're following behind David (who's driving the Ryder truck) in Frank's car and at a traffic light we look over at the covered pick-up truck stopped next to us and we see a partially covered human skeleton in the back. We were like "What the fuck?" There was a scrap of cloth partially pulled over the skull which Frank figured that was there "To hide the fuck hole." (Did anyone else get that? Or does the fact that we immediately recognized a "skull fucking" joke mean that we're all a bit "not right?")
grant and fatty move
May 03, 2003
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See? You just can't help yourself. Damn, that's some good Boing!
grant and fatty move
May 03, 2003
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Painting makes you thirsty - so I went into Grant's fridge to look for something to drink to discover that the only thing he had was this box of "Boing!" (Boing! is a fake mango drink that makes you want to say its name as you jump around with the box).
grant and fatty move
May 03, 2003
Follow along at home with the favorite internet weirdo of your choice!
the january roundup
January, 2016
While out walking around, I spotted a weird flying object and filmed this video of it. (I submitted it to EVGrieve - there were Occupy Wall Street marches going on and the consensus is that I probably filmed an NYPD drone)
the may roundup
May, 2012